<![CDATA[Shine On Counseling-Anxiety, Trauma, Infertility & Grief Psychotherapist

<![CDATA[Shine On Counseling-Anxiety, Trauma, Infertility & Grief Psychotherapist - Blog]]>Sun, 07 Jun 2026 03:56:34 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[Am I Going Crazy or Grieving?]]>Sun, 12 May 2019 16:37:10 GMThttps://www.shineoncounseling.com/emdranxietyandtraumatherapist/am-i-going-crazy-or-grievingUnderstanding our Grief Reactions After A Death Of A Loved One

Grief is a universal human experience but it is unique to the individual griever. “The acute responses to loss are not unhealthy or maladaptive responses. Rather they are normal responses to an abnormal event.” Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS. There is not a prescribed way nor length one should grieve. Without a blueprint to help guide grievers, they can become confused, surprised and even overwhelmed by some of their reactions, thoughts and feelings that surface during the grief process. One consistent truth: Grievers shouldn’t have to hide their grief nor grieve alone.

I took a few moments to ground myself before meeting a new client. I knew it would be an emotional first meeting because her child recently died. She sat across from me sharing her dark, scary thoughts. She couldn’t hold eye contact because she buried her head while tears flowed from her eyes. As she told me her story, she shared I was the second therapist she met. The first one told her there was nothing she could do for her and maybe she could come back in a few months when her grief wasn’t so intense. I sat in my chair stunned, trying to disguise my shock. In shock, not by my client’s intense grief but because of the words from this therapist.

Sadly, I hear some version of this often. “I will get help when I am feeling better” “When my feelings aren’t so raw, I will talk with someone”. I have clients cancel because they are “too much of a mess”. When should one come into therapy, especially grief therapy? When they are better? I think this is the expectation that is often reflected in our society. When I am able to ‘make sense’ of my feelings and look presentable, then I am I okay to be seen.

I delivered a message similar to the first therapist but added something important. I told this grieving mother, “There is nothing I can do for you to make this better. To make this go away. But I can be with you as you walk this path of grief. I will show up and see you just as you are. All of you can show up. The scared, sad, overwhelmed and messy parts can sit across from me and I will see you and hear you. You will not be alone. That is what I can do for you.” This client told me my initial words were helpful months into her grief. She wasn’t getting ‘better’. Different layers of grief were unfolding. She referenced these words several times to remind herself, “I am not suppose to fix this. I am not failing. There is nothing wrong with me. I am learning to find a way to live in a world that I can no longer hug my child. This is grieving”.

As we provide support to our loved ones, we cannot take the pain away but we can make it less scary if we hold space for them, allowing these feelings to come and go as they need. Comparing, minimizing or finding solutions controls and manages our feelings. There is no release. They don’t go away. They become recycled energy stuck in some internal compartment within ourselves, labeled something like “Time to get over it” “Move on” “Stop it” “What’s wrong with you” “It could be worse”.

When grieving, it’s never too soon to get support from a therapist, a friend, family members, clergy or other grievers. As long as those people understand you are not too much. Your grief isn’t too much. Your grief is normal and natural. Sadness’ purpose is to show us how much we love someone and how important someone/thing is to us. Sadness needs to share the story it holds. It does not want to live in one of those dingy compartments often set aside for feelings such as guilt, disappointment, anger, hopelessness, or pain.

I am not scared when someone shares their dark, hopeless thoughts. They are not crazy. There is nothing wrong with them. Their heart is broken and it needs love and understanding to sit with it. By inviting people to tell me these thoughts, they get the message, ‘I am here with you. You are not alone”. I see people take a breath and relax, when I explain these thoughts they hear is grief talking, not crazy. They unravel the story and judgment attached to their grief. These intrusive images you have about dying and death are symbols of your grief. We explore what these images might be telling us. They are very different than having a plan, intent or means of actively hurting yourself. The latter does require immediate attention and intervention but often, in grief, it is the former that people contain and keep secret, holding them in silence, shame and judgment. These thoughts are scary enough. Silencing them can be dangerous. Words help us understand and make meaning of an experience. Sharing these words creates the human connection our neurobiology tells us we need for survival.

Yes, some grievers seriously believe they are going crazy. And when they finally share how hard it is for them, they are told to come back when things are "less intense"or “Don’t think that way. That is crazy talk”, reinforcing the belief “something is seriously wrong with me” When they have a thought about how they want to die or how they see themselves dying, they can learn to recognize, acknowledge and become present with their grief. Many learn these thoughts about dying are really about wanting to stop the pain they feel, not about hurting themselves. Grievers learn to notice these thoughts, identify them as grief and choose their reaction to them. Have you ever noticed a random, irrational thought and wonder; where did that come from? It happens. Can we change our thoughts? Not really. But our relationship to them? Yes, yes we can change that. Finding a more understanding and compassionate response rather than a judgmental or controlling one does impact and influence our thoughts. Here is a common shift communicated in session, after one’s grief is supported and witnessed: “What’s wrong with me” “I should stop thinking this way. This is crazy” “I should be more…” becomes “Of course, I am in pain. I hurt so much. I am grieving. These feelings are okay”. One of these thought processes creates an armored response riddled with tension and shame. The other creates spaciousness and openness. Guess which is which?

Grieving someone you love is hard enough. Arguably, the hardest thing anyone goes through in a lifetime. Adding suffering through isolating, judging, minimizing, comparing and silencing our losses is unnecessary and damaging.

Some common reactions to recent loss may include:

Sleep and appetite changes
Loss of concentration, focus and memory
Irrational and intrusive thoughts and images
Numbness/Shock
Rollercoaster of emotions
“Walking around in a fog”
Forgetfulness
Apathy

These reactions are normal and natural in grief. If any of these reactions cause you to feel scared or fearful, please consider reaching out for support right away. No one, even other grievers, completely understand what you are going through. However, there are people out there that want to hear how you are doing and what your relationship and loss means to you. We might not understand exactly what you are going through but we want to be with you even in the uncomfortable, emotion-filled and heavy parts of your story. It may be hard to be this open and vulnerable but it is also the realest, most authentic connection humans can experience. And this is an honor.

Ways to create a safe space when someone shares their fears, worries or scary thoughts

Can you tell me more about your pain? I want to hear how you are doing.
Of course, you are scared. That makes sense. I am right here with you. Would you like to talk more about this?
I hear you are worried about _______________. Worries are normal when you are dealing with so many unfamiliar experiences and changes. Of course, you are worried. Do you want to talk more about your biggest worry you have?
Those are scary thoughts to have. I want you to know you are not alone. I hear you are scared.

When should I get help or refer my loved one for help?
Having thoughts about death and dying after your loved one dies is a natural response to a abnormal situation. Not everyone will have these thoughts. Again, every grief response is different. If your thoughts become scary please talk with someone. Don’t be alone. If you start making plans, have intent to harm yourself and have the means to do so, please seek help immediately. (National Suicide Prevention number 1-800-273-8255)

How to find a grief therapist?
Many therapists state they work with the grieving population because yes, they do. All day and every day, therapists sit across from people grieving. Grieving is in death. It is in the things we want that we don’t have. It is in our relationships and expectations for self and others. It is in saying good bye to our dreams. It is in our health changes. However, just because someone sees people grieving does not mean they have learned to sit with someone as they grieve. They may have some really good strategies to deal with grief so that it may be filed away in one of those compartments but how do they do when your grief shows up across from them? Things to consider:

What is their training in grief? Have they had advanced training?
What are their beliefs about grief? And how do they support someone grieving?
What happens in session when your clients cry?
What is your response when clients share heavy or hopeless thoughts in session?
How much of their population is working in bereavement? Have they worked with others experiencing child, spousal etc loss?

There is no right answer to any of these questions but I think when you ask a therapist some of these questions, you will learn more about their comfort level. You will hear it not only in their words about how they respond. Are they open to your questions or defensive? Do they share about how they are in relationship with grievers or talk more on strategies? Depending on what you are looking for, these questions might help in finding a good fit.

“Grief is not a disease, disorder or a sign of weakness. It is a physical, emotional, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” Earl Grollman

No one can walk the path of grief for you but they can be with you. If you feel alone in your grief, please consider contacting someone in your support system. You can search Psychology Today for therapists in your area, who specialize in grief. You may also want to call your local hospice and see if they provide referrals. If you have a plan to hurt yourself and the intent to do so, please call the National Suicide Prevention number 1-800-273-8255.

]]><![CDATA[Writing Your Own Legacy: How To Tell Your Story]]>Fri, 11 Aug 2017 04:21:23 GMThttps://www.shineoncounseling.com/emdranxietyandtraumatherapist/writing-your-own-legacy-how-to-tell-your-story

There have been two times which statistics played a huge part in my life. Technically, three, if we are counting statistics in grad school. That was not fun! The first important time statistics showed up and made a big deal in my life was during a thyroid biopsy when I was 33 years old. The doctor performing the biopsy noticed how scared I was and told me, “Don’t worry. There is only a 5% chance this nodule will be cancerous.” When I received her call on a Friday at 5:15, she delivered the news that I ‘beat the odds’, note my sarcasm. She didn’t really say that. She only delivered the unexpected news. My nodule was malignant. I had thyroid cancer. Unlike how we feel when using the phrase, “I beat the odds” appropriately, I didn’t feel like a winner. I actually felt like a loser. “Why do bad things only seem to happen to me.” “This isn’t fair.” “Haven’t I been through enough.” It seemed as if all my friends were out having fun, getting married and having babies. I felt alone, scared and overwhelmed. I had a great support system but I felt no one really understood or got me. Conversations with friends included talk about babies, who they were dating, husbands or fun they were having. Then there was me. The cancer girl. Who really wanted to hear about me and what I was going through? I didn’t want to be the drag so I stopped going out as much or letting others know how I was feeling. I became depressed and withdrawn.

The second time statistics created a predicament was during my husband and my final IVF cycle. We knew our chances were slim. After all the medications, shots, blood draws, doctor appointments, ultrasounds and schedules, the nurse had shared we only had one very poor quality embryo from our cycle. My husband and I had spent a couple years trying to start our family. We had several failed IUI and IVF cycles until we were finally blessed with our daughter. We wanted to have another child but decided we would only do one IVF cycle and accept whatever happened. While I was getting prepped for the transfer, the doctor stopped in and shared, “I would say you have a 6-8% chance of having a viable pregnancy with this embryo.” He offered to refund a significant amount of money if we decided to not go through with the transfer. However, we both agreed we would proceed. I think I was the one that said, “6% is better than 0%.” Even though we had said, “this is our last IVF cycle” before, we both knew we meant it this time. I vividly hold the memory of my husband I, holding hands, walking away from the clinic in my mind. I remember we were not sure if we should be excited or cautiously prepared. In my sarcastic, not always appropriate humor, I said, “I was told I would only have a 5% chance of having thyroid cancer and look at what happened there.” I have always been rebellious. Tell me it’s not going to happen and I’ll show you! Relatively, there isn’t much difference between 5% and 6-8%, essentially the same odds. But I felt different. How could this be? My thoughts were different. I was optimistic and relaxed. A ‘knowing’ that I would be okay regardless of the results existed. Before I get too much further, I am happy to share that the 6-8% chance resulted in a happy, healthy and beautiful baby boy.

What happened in those 6 years in between my cancer diagnosis and my last fertility treatment? A lot! I wouldn’t be able to give justice to all the events, changes and people, who shaped my life in those following 6 years, but I will highlight a few things which I know helped.

I learned that statistics do not predict the outcome or what happens next. Statistics do not control or dictate how I will respond. Essentially, those statistics meant nothing. Something will either happen or not happen. That’s it. The sense of control does not come from the statistics. It comes from knowing that I am in control of my response. I realized that no amount of analyzing, interpreting or researching those statistics affected the outcome. It was just a number provided by the doctors, with no story or predictive success. I am not knocking statistics. I understand their value. They show a snapshot of what has happened but not what WILL happen. When statistics are applied to human experiences, they do not take into consideration a human’s mind, heart, beliefs and soul.

Here is a hypothetical: A doctor delivers news to three different patients. They have the same illness and the same prognosis of having a 20% chance of living more than two more months.

One decided to book an extravagant vacation with only his immediate family and friends. He spent time saying goodbye to his loved ones. Maybe he was able to go on that trip and maybe he wasn’t. But every morning he woke up looking forward to that trip.
Second patient decided to do treatment and spent his final days attending doctor’s appointments and taking medication. He spent time with his family, talking about “when he gets better”. Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t.
Third patient decided to not tell anyone and ‘go on with life as usual’.

I hope you get there isn’t a right way in how these patients handled the news. Same illness. Same prognosis. Three different responses. The control lies in the response of the patient. Not in the prognosis, stats or outcome.

Therapy was extremely helpful in the progress I made in those 6 years. I know. I am a therapist recommending therapy. I really believe in the benefits of therapy and have done my own work. I believe in identifying and challenging cognitive errors that no longer serve us. I believe, when we share our feelings in a safe and non-judgmental environment, we discover ways to relate to ourselves differently. As the writer to your own story, you get to decide how the chapter ends. How do you want to share your story? If you are reading this and thinking, that is nice but it is not so easy to choose to believe everything will be okay and then believe it. Nice idea but not so easy to put into practice. I would invite you to explore and identify your beliefs. How is the belief, “Life isn’t fair.” “Only bad things seem to happen to me” “It’s better to be safe than sorry” “I don’t want to get my hopes up” (insert yours) protecting you? If you didn’t hold that belief, what are you afraid might happen? Might there be another way to serve that underlying need or feeling? Explore with curiosity, openness, and compassion. When challenging and exploring my beliefs, I found new information I could integrate into my internal belief system, creating more adaptive and self-serving beliefs.

After I did some really good work in therapy, I had an indescribable spiritual experience. I learned, once I changed my beliefs, I was able to have a deeper, more authentic relationship with myself, connecting my mind, body and spirit. This also led to more meaningful relationships with others. Once my beliefs changed, my relationship with my support system changed. I say relationship because I had support during my cancer diagnosis. However, my beliefs prevented me from trusting and being vulnerable with them.

I learned self-compassion. As a human experience, we all suffer. It is a part of the requirement of being human. Even though someone isn’t struggling when I am, does not mean they haven’t or won’t experience pain. Did I want someone, who I knew, to have cancer? Of course not! I just didn’t want to feel alone. When we can look beyond our current circumstances, we can see that no one is immune to pain or suffering. This is not to say, we should minimize our pain because “others have it worse." We are to accept the fact that we all struggle. Accepting suffering as a human experience can challenge that belief, “I am alone.” “Bad things seem to only happen to me” “What did I do to deserve this.”

I learned about mindfulness. The practice of staying present in the here and now. Being present creates space to make a choice in how we will respond, turning off our ‘automatic pilot’ response button. I also learned practicing mindfulness isn’t all about being calm and zen. It means bringing awareness to our present internal experience and noticing what is happening, without judgment.

During my second cancer experience, my doctor, who was approaching retirement had a different way of delivering news. He stayed away from statistics. He said, “You are young. This isn’t the last bad thing that will happen to you in your lifetime. How you respond to these circumstances will prepare you for the next”. These words were like a punch in the gut. Wait a minute, my first thought was, “Dude. That’s deep. Seriously? I am trying to get through this crisis one day at a time. I just wanted to know your qualifications and recommendations on treatment options. I wasn’t prepared for a whole life lesson from Deepak Chopra.” After I settled down, I saw the brilliance in his response. The reminder that it is not the circumstances we face that determine who we become. It’s how we respond to those circumstances that become the manuscript of our life and the legacy we leave. That meeting was definitely worth my copay.

I will leave you with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, “If you own your story, you get to write the ending”. Take back control by making a shift. Change the focus on controlling the outcome to controlling your response. You are going to have uncomfortable feelings and negative thoughts. This is true. This will happen. I am 100% guaranteeing it! We can’t control that we are mad but we have control in how we respond to that anger. That is where the power and freedom lies.

***If you want to read more about the mind-body connection, specifically as it pertains to illness, I highly recommend Dr. Bernie Siegel’s book. ‘Love, Medicine and Miracles”. The link is in my book resource page under Cancer Support. He also has helpful meditation CDs.***

]]><![CDATA[Life Lessons from the Gym: How Burpees Can Prepare Me For Future Life Challenges]]>Tue, 27 Jun 2017 04:23:33 GMThttps://www.shineoncounseling.com/emdranxietyandtraumatherapist/life-lessons-from-the-gym-how-burpees-can-prepare-me-for-future-life-challenges

I have always known the strong relationship between mind and body. Recently, I was reminded of its importance. For a couple of months now, I have been attending a new class at the gym. Weekly, I enter this torture chamber, I mean work-out studio with resistance, dread and frustration. As soon as I see the stations set up with bands, weights, gliders, jump rope and benches, I hear a part of me telling me, "it's okay to take a sharp left to the treadmills." "I'm hot." "I'm tired." "The class seems full." Honestly, I have never pretended to be excited or tried convincing myself the class won't be as bad as it looks. I accept it will be exhausting and challenging. I accept my feelings of frustration, hesitation and fear (jump ropes scare me) as part of the experience. I realize when I enter the room, I am not only exercising my body but my mind as well.

In comparison, it made me think of emotional challenges and how easy it can be to shut down the pain, as a way to cope. Where did we learn it is 'better to look on the bright side" and "stay positive" when faced with emotional challenges? I do not sugar coat my feelings and thoughts when it comes to the gym class. I accept them as a part of the process. When my legs feel like jello and I want to double over, I don't tell myself, "This isn't so bad." or"I am just exaggerating the pain." It is hard, very hard but I can do hard things. I accept it and feel it. These physical sensations guide and teach me what I need: push through, take a break, drink water etc. When the lady next to me is dry heaving, it doesn't negate the fact my arms, holding 20 pound weights....okay, 10 pounds (for now)... are wobbly and ready to give in to the pain. However, when we compare our pain to other's experiences, emotional pain seems easy to ignore. "They have it worse. I shouldn't be complaining about what I am going through." Just because you only have one finger bleeding and someone else has two, doesn't mean you should not attend to your injury. How does this logic get lost with emotional injuries?

I don't let the pain prevent me from completing the class. I am not ignoring the pain either. I am using it as a way to build and exercise the part of me that can do hard things. I cannot control the pain but I can control my reaction to it.

I could try to ignore the pain which would lead to injury. I could prevent the pain which leads me to the treadmills: "my comfort zone". Growth and 'comfort zone' go together like oil and water. When I walk through those studio doors, I am not only building muscle but building and getting to know that part of me that can do hard things. Each time the instructor says, "25 burpees", I mentally yell back, "You are kidding me. You're evil. I am going to die!" I really want to hate this instructor but she could seriously be in the dictionary (do people still read dictionaries?) under badass and cool. Plus, she has good taste in music. Songs of the beloved 80's. Wouldn't you know, I discovered I could actually do 25 burpees, with lots of breaks and probably more of a reach instead of jump after 10 burpees (beginning of class, the reach started closer to 7 burpees. I am making progress!) I don't have to like what I am doing. I can even feel fear, apprehension and frustration. What I learned is that I don't have to ignore pain to do hard things. Really, you can't do one without the other but oh, how we try!

If we only focus on the pain, we lose sight of the I can do hard things part. Conversely, if we only focus on the I can do hard things part, we ignore pain, until we can no longer. Avoiding the pain keeps pushing us harder and faster, because if we s l o w or stop, we might actually feel the pain. If I lean into the pain, it gives me the ability to build and strengthen the can do hard things part of me. The part of me that feels pain (emotional or physical) needs to be exercise buds with the I can do hard things part of me. We need both parts, pain and can do hard things, available to heal and grow from the challenges we face.

When I leave the gym studio, I feel exhausted. However, it is a feeling of relief and release. The can do hard things part of me is right there with me, high-fiving the pain part of me. Training my, can do hard things part, in the gym, will better equip me to handle the next life challenge or significant life event. I know my can do hard things part of me will show up and f l e x for the challenge.

Being a two-time cancer survivor has brought pain, challenges, anger and exhaustion into my life but it also introduced and befriended, the can do hard things part of me. I would never want nor choose to go through cancer again or any other significant life challenge. However, I know if pain works-out with can do hard things part of me, I will get through whatever I am going through.

How can you f l e x your can do hard things part of you? It doesn't need to be the gym. It could be...

Learning a new language or dance
Joining a yoga class or toastmasters
Signing up for karate
Taking up drawing or painting
Singing lessons

Something out of your comfort zone.

Consider the interest or activity

something you choose
in a relatively controlled setting
something for yourself (your progress is rated by you, not your boss or in competition with others)
doesn't cause a high level of distress or triggers 'old stuff"

When your can do hard things and pain are working together, you are literally re-wiring your brain, pairing a positive belief and adaptation to a stressful or challenging situation. Therefore, when you are faced with something you do NOT

have a choice
environment is not controlled
your life-changing event affects others or their life- changing event affects you
is a high level of distress and triggers 'old stuff'

your can do hard things part will be available and connected to the pain part, standing there all robust and ready to support you!

As I see it, the goal of the class is not to drop sizes but to bulk up my can do hard things part. Be sure to flex today!

Click to set custom HTML

]]><![CDATA[Want to Know How to Best Support a Cancer Survivor?...Ask Them!]]>Mon, 03 Apr 2017 20:29:22 GMThttps://www.shineoncounseling.com/emdranxietyandtraumatherapist/want-to-know-how-to-best-support-a-cancer-survivorask-them

I was 33 years old, working as a facilitator for a cancer survivor group, when I was first diagnosed with cancer. How ironic that I thought I was helping the cancer survivors in group, when in fact, they were facilitating my strength and support to get through my cancer journey. If you want to know how to support a cancer survivor, ask them. Let's set an intention to do away with giving advice, sharing really old cliches and giving shallow offerings of help. This blog is about finding ways to support cancer survivors by deepening relationships, creating connections, and offering genuine care and concern. I have asked many cancer survivors, what is the most helpful thing anyone said to you during your treatment? Their most common response..."How can I help you?" This questions sends the message, "Teach me how to treat you". I want to learn from you how I can best support you. This is different from the message of giving advice, "I know what's best for you".

I have facilitated cancer support groups for about 10 years. I would say one of the most frequent topics discussed in group was, "What not to say to a cancer survivor". Members expressed frustration, validation and even some laughter regarding comments made to them during their cancer experience. Regardless of diagnosis, experiences or challenges, they faced as individuals, this topic ignited the very essence of what brings people to a support group. The message, "You are not alone" and "I hear you".

As you read this blog, please understand I am not suggesting one takes this as a 'Do's and Don'ts' list. Responding to emotional needs and offering support is not black and white or right and wrong. I am simply identifying some things to consider as you provide support and communicate with your coworkers, friends and family, who are dealing with a cancer diagnosis. Opinions varied regarding specific comments or situations. However, there were some common themes, surrounding what not to say, or at least things to consider, when offering support to someone diagnosed with cancer.

"You look great!" Now, this statement, in and of itself, obviously has no ill-will attached to it. Complimenting someone is not a bad thing. Although, when some received this compliment, they felt people did not validate their whole experience. It may have taken a cancer survivor 3 hours, 2 naps and 1 pain pill to get out the door. They may physically look good. However, what is lost in this comment is any understanding of how they may be feeling or what they are going through. People may assume, "if you look good, you are doing good'. One member shared, her friend once greeted her with an enthusiastic, "You look great!". She said her friend expressed this greeting with such excitement and relief that she didn't have the heart to tell her she just vomited in the bathroom before her friend hugged her.

Consider: Next time you want to highlight someone's physical appearance, remember the phrase, "Don't judge a book by its cover". I don't think people mind the compliment. Most likely, they appreciate the mention. Consider finding a deeper way to connect.

"You look great. I know you have a lot going on. I wonder how you are doing/feeling with it all".

"You are going to be OK"! This comment would produce an equal amount of frustration and humor in group. A group member shared her lighthearted response to a friend who told her "you are going to be just fine!" after sharing her diagnosis with her... "Oh my, I didn't know I was friends with God. I would have bought you a better Christmas present". Often, out of our own discomfort or uncertainty of what to say, we make comments that contradict our intention; one of offering support and understanding. No one can predict nor prescribe someone's experience or outcome. Even if one receives a positive prognosis, with minimal treatment, they are still dealing with a variety of emotions, changes and challenges. An attempt to encourage optimism and hope may take away from the full spectrum of feelings one is experiencing as a cancer survivor.

Consider: Instead of cheering your friends or family up, let them know how much they mean to you.

"You are so important to me. I hate you are going through this. I want the best for you and hope you recover quickly".
"I care for you deeply. I hope you feel better soon".
"I can't make any of this go away but I hope the love and support I am sending you helps in your recovery and healing".

Silence may carry more weight than words. It gives permission for people to feel what they need to feel. Silence sends the message, "I am here with you without any expectation or condition". Sometimes the best thing we can say is, "I don't know what to say but know I am here with you". Being transparent and vulnerable about your own feelings of helplessness validates and empathizes in a powerful way. Doing or saying nothing is something Listening and holding space allows and empowers the cancer survivor to express their feelings and share their story. Permission to feel provides more benefits than someone, trying to 'fix' our feelings. Who really feels better after someone tells them they have nothing to worry about?

"Don't worry. God doesn't give you more than you can handle". I said this once to a teenage boy, who lost his father. I remember because I can still see his face and body language after hearing my words. I never want to say this again to someone struggling or grieving. A member said in group it seemed she was being punished for being strong. Another way to rephrase this comment is, "The stronger you become, you are at greater risk of loss and major struggle because God believes you can handle it". Based on this rationale, how many grievers or cancer survivors would prefer being seen as weak to avoid some of life's greatest heartaches? It also implies, if you have a spiritual faith, you shouldn't have feelings of fear or worry because God (or whoever you pray to or believe in) is in charge. Having a spiritual belief often provides great comfort through challenges but it should not void our basic human experience of feeling.

Consider: Validating their feelings and experience, which may include conflicting and overwhelming feelings.

"This doesn't seem fair you have to deal with this".
"I hear how hard this is for you. It's okay to feel what you are feeling".
"Let it out. You don't have to hold it in. You don't have to do this alone".

Before assuming what your loved one's spiritual needs are, it may be helpful to ask them. "What are some spiritual practices and beliefs that you find helpful when you are going through something tough?"

If they express conflict within their beliefs, validate this can be a normal and natural response for others. Trying to fix or challenge their spiritual conflicts may make them feel defensive or judged, leaving them to feel more alone than they already feel.

"Don't stress. Just Relax" (and the bonus comment) "You will only make yourself more sick". I don't think anyone hasn't heard how stress can be harmful. People already know this. A member shared: She received a $5,000 medical bill, while looking at the 15 pills she needed to take for the day, when this 'helpful 'advice from her husband popped in her head. She said she wanted to burst with laughter and anger at the ridiculousness of this comment. Telling someone not to stress only puts more pressure and expectations on them. Feelings are sneaky. If we avoid them, they find a way to show up. Sometimes under the disguise of physical symptoms, slammed doors, sleeping too much, isolation, lack of motivation, risky behavior...you get the idea. I often use the analogy of a boiling pot of water to describe what happens when we stuff our feelings. What happens to boiling water when we put a lid on it? It creates pressure and the water overflows. If we take the lid off, the water still boils but it evaporates and is released. Our feelings may be uncomfortable, big and intense. We can't control them. However, if we experience and give them the space they need, they can evaporate and be released.

Consider: Listening to how your family and friends are affected by the stress in their life.

"That sounds like a lot to be going through. Do you want to share more about how you are doing?" (Sometimes cancer survivors do not want to talk about what they are going through. They want a break from cancer talk. It can be helpful to check-in first, before asking them questions.)
I am here to listen when you are having a tough time. I imagine it's hard going through all of this. I want you to know you are not alone".
"What seems to be the hardest thing you have to deal with right now?"
"How have things changed for you since your diagnosis?

"Just try and get some rest and relax". Again, we can probably assume someone has good intentions when they say this. However, your friend did not lose IQ points with his diagnosis. They would love to 'rest and relax'. Unfortunately, cancer symptoms, treatments, insurance issues, lab work, scheduling and attending appointments do not make it very convenient for people to plan a 'spa' day. Members felt this comment was also invalidating and minimized their whole experience. Cancer fatigue cannot be resolved with a nap. It can sometimes be an all- body, all-day fatigue. Suggesting rest, a nap, bubble bath or a good book seems to minimize the depth of cancer fatigue.

Consider: Offering your support or service. Offer practical assistance such as; grocery shopping, cooking a meal, laundry, drive them to appointments, or organize paperwork. "Let me know if I can help" is a more passive way to offer support. It puts the responsibility on the cancer survivor, often making them feel like they are imposing or burdening their family and friends. Make your offer specific and concrete. Have them be part of the planning to best meet their needs.

"What is one thing I can take off your plate?"
"I would like to organize a meal plan. Do you have any food restrictions during treatment?"
"I would like to go grocery shopping for you. Which day is the best to deliver food?"

Suggesting alternative and holistic treatment: Members appreciated their family and friends wanting them to have the best care to beat cancer. However, many expressed feeling overwhelmed by the suggestions and information. It's challenging to stay focused, retain and track information during treatment. "Chemo brain" is a REAL thing. Keep in mind if you are offering your suggestions, opinions, ideas and methods, there are probably others doing the same. Yes, you believe your information is the best and will really work. Guess what? So does everyone else. With many diagnoses, action needs to be taken right away. Healthy lifestyle changes can be beneficial but they usually take time, effort, money and energy. A member shared he believed he would die if he 'didn't do it all'. When he realized the stress from the lifestyle changes was outweighing the benefits, he decided to pace himself and ask others to help him implement the changes he wished to make. Another member shared she almost lost it when one friend shared a story of a man, curing his cancer, by eating a large amount of broccoli per day. While another friend's article suggested not to eat man-made vegetables, broccoli being one of them.

Consider: Ask your loved one if they want you to research any complimentary or alternative practitioners or methods.
"I read an interesting article about _______, would you like me to share it with you?"
"Would you like me to find out more information on that treatment for you?"
"I have heard of a naturopath, who specialized in oncology, would you like me to get her name?"

My aunt's best friend's daughter had the same cancer. Everyone's cancer diagnosis, body and response to treatment will differ. Please withhold from sharing any upsetting or difficult stories. Period. Emily McDowell has a greeting card line that has some humorous and honest 'Empathy' cards. One which reads, "When life gives you lemons. I promise I won't tell you a story about my cousin's friend, who died from lemons".

A cancer survivor is overwhelmed with their own diagnosis, hearing stories of others, may be too much. Often, people share stories to share hope. Many grab onto this hope but for others, it produces additional worry. If someone's treatment isn't going as expected, these stories can produce comparison and judgement. Why isn't it working for me? What am I doing wrong?

Consider: Ask the cancer survivor if they want to hear about the 'somebody' you know before telling them. One of the biggest losses a cancer survivor experiences is a loss of control and choice. Giving them choices, even ones that seem small, helps them feel valued and empowered.

Another significant loss is unwanted alone-ness. If you are trying to make the cancer survivor not feel alone, connect with them. Be with them. Listen and ask about their experiences and treatment, rather than shifting focus to someone else.

Some cancer survivors may not be affected or concerned about some of these comments. Some may say, "Bring on the compliments" "Bring on the pep talks" "Bring on the small talk" And, that is OKAY! I hope, at minimal, this blog prompts us to check-in, pause, and consider what our loved one's cancer diagnosis is bringing up in ourselves and them before reacting. I can't tell you what you should say. However, I know considering how we say something can be key to creating connection and support. If you have said some of these comments to your loved ones, don't worry. Most people appreciate the intention behind these comments. I know I have said some of these comments myself. Don't worry about saying the right words. Remember this quote from Maya Angelou:
"People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did but people will never forget how you made them feel".
Be Genuine. Be Transparent. Be Open. Be Curious. Be Authentic.

]]><![CDATA[The What and How of our Emotional Needs]]>Thu, 08 Dec 2016 21:02:21 GMThttps://www.shineoncounseling.com/emdranxietyandtraumatherapist/the-what-and-how-of-our-emotional-needs

Getting our emotional needs met isn't as simple as asking for them. How many times have you practiced those "I feel" statements but it didn't work? How many times have you told someone how you feel and it sparks a conflict? Or, maybe you tell someone how you feel, get what you want, but it doesn't feel different or better?

In communication, we tend to focus on the story; the content of our needs and feelings. The who, what, where and how. The story represents the surface of our emotional needs.

"I need you to be more present. Please stop using the phone at dinner"
"I need help with the kids."
"I feel hurt when you don't return my calls"

This is a good start in identifying our needs but it doesn't stop there. Beneath the visable surface of the story, lies our emotional needs.

The other morning I had fallen asleep in my son's room. He was up early, crying, (molars, ick!) My husband had already left for work, when my 4 year old daughter, bursts through my son's bedroom door. "Mommy, I went in your room and nobody was there. I looked every where. I went back to my bed. Then, I hear Nicky wake up and I find you." She repeated this story three times, when I finally heard her voice crack. I asked her, "Honey, were you scared?". She responded, "Yes, I was scared Mommy", as she held back tears. I gave her a hug and the story stopped. She didn't know how to express her emotional need but she knew the story, the content, which described what she was feeling and needing.

A key component to healthy, connecting communication is understanding....

What we are asking
How we are asking

The What of Emotional Needs:

Often, in communication, our emotional needs could be considered a request or demand. We communicate our needs through actions or expectations.

"I need you to tell me you love me more"
"I need you look at me when I am talking to you."

Emotional needs are different. They are basic and necessary for developing strong, secure relationships. We are born with these basic needs. They do not change. However, we learn to adapt and protect, if we are not getting these needs met by our environment or relationships. Here are some of our innate emotional needs:

Security/safety/stability
Validation/understanding
Belonging/connectedness
Valued/purpse
Attention/nurturing

We need to look beneath what we ask and communicate, to find the emotional component to our needs. The emotions are what drives what we say and how we act. When we identify the need, we don't have to keep repeating the story or behavior, as my 4 year old reminded me.

If we stick with the story, "You don't show affection. I don't feel important", it leaves room for the person to minimize, debate or explain, keeping the conversation at the surface.

Consider this question, to help identify what the core emotional need, feeling or belief is: "What does that (comment or behavior) say about me?"

"I need you to follow through with what you say" What does that say about me? "I don't feel appreciated"
"I feel you don't listen to me" What does that say about me? "I feel unimportant"
"I feel ignored when we are around other people" Say about me? "I'm not valued" "I don't belong"
Yelling (behavior) What does that say about me? "I feel helpless"
Leaving the room during a fight (behavior) What does that say about me? "I don't feel safe"

The How of Emotional Needs:

How we communicate our emotional needs is more difficult to explain. We need to understand the difference between expressing our needs from our heart versus our head. Let's start with one of my favorite quotes,

"Drop the story. Feel the feeling."

If we can express or experience the feeling associated with our needs, rather than describe or talk about the feeling, our chances of creating connection and getting our needs met increase.

Have you ever met up with someone to vent? We talk about how lonely, sad, and scared we are, but we are not necessarily feeling those feelings. Actually, talking about our feelings can be an escape from dealing or feeling them. When I was younger, I went through a bad break up. You can bet I was on the phone with all of my friends telling them 'all about it'. Now, that I am a little older and a little wiser, I can see talking about my feelings was an escape from feeling my feelings. For I knew, if I turned off that phone, I would feel alone.

Expressing or experiencing our feelings is work done without the story. This is where our vulnerability lies. We are exposing a part of us that we are usually trying to protect. We take off the masks, displaying our raw, deep unshielded emotional needs. We are risking potentially being hurt, but we are also taking the chance that we will finally be heard, finally seen, finally cared for in the way which we need and deserve. We need to be not do vulnerable. Of course, someone could still challenge or minimize our emotional needs/feelings. However, if we come from a vulnerable place, others tend to match that vulnerability. They let down their defenses and respond from that same vulnerability. Seriously, having a "heart to heart" conversation. It is difficult to describe, because you can feel, rather than hear the difference, when we bravely communicate with vulnerability and openness. Being vulnerable is not easy and is often uncomfortable. It is something we tend to hide or protect.

Here are some tips to consider as you lean in to your vulnerability.

~Understand vulnerability better. Dispell some of they myths attached to it. Brene' Brown has an excellent TEDtalk and written several books on the topic of vulnerability.

~Identify your vulnerability. Notice how your body feels. Open and relaxed? Tight and exposed? Trapped and heavy? Before practicing being vulnerable with others, we may have to start with ourselves first.

~Practice being vulnerable. Find a safe person, who will not judge or be uncomfortable with your emotions. Being vulnerable with people, who cannot hold that space, will only make you protect that part of you even more. If you are unsure of a person or do not have one, therapy is a good place to start. Or, try teaching people how to treat you. Start small and investigate more.

"Can you turn off the TV while we talk"
"I have something uncomfortable to share. Can you listen without interrupting or trying to fix me?"
"Can you hold my hand, especially if I get emotional?"
"If you disagree with something I say, can you let me know you hear how i feel, before responding?"

~Protect vulnerability. If it is hard to feel or connect to your vulnerability, identify what are your protectors?

Anger
People Pleasing
Controller
Detachment
Busy Bee
Criticizer
Perfectionist

These examples are usually a little easier to identify. We feel more comfortable with those parts of ourselves. Others may call us out on these parts, since this is what we show others, to protect our vulnerability. Once we identify the protectors, we can ask, "What might we be protecting?" "What might be beneath this protector?"

Our strength doesn't come from how tough we present and how we can stay in control. Our strength comes from letting go of control; control of the situation, others, ourselves, while we get to keep feeling honest, authentic, calm, connected and present.

One of my favorite quotes from Brene Brown, "Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage are not always comfortable, but they are never a weakness.

]]><![CDATA[How Well Do You Know YOU?]]>Wed, 29 Jun 2016 19:46:03 GMThttps://www.shineoncounseling.com/emdranxietyandtraumatherapist/how-well-do-you-know-you

The nurse asked me, "Are you afraid of tight spaces?" "No, not really", I responded. "I should be fine." Looking back, I now realize this is the moment I started getting anxious. I was disconnected from my anxiety because my Strong Shannon part of me quickly came online. The part of me which takes charge, protecting me from feeling scared and fearful. I know this part all too well. This part has convinced me of many things:

I am strong. I don't need to feel scared.
Being weak will just make things fall apart.
Others have faced worse so "toughen up buttercup".

Strong Shannon has definitely served a role and purpose, getting me through many past challenges. I needed her. I still need her. She is an important part of me. However, when she automatically takes over, as she did in this moment, another part of me is ignored; FEAR. Fear does not like being dismissed so easily. Fear started acting out, demanding validation, attention and understanding.

We all have a variety of parts designed to protect us from painful and uncomfortable feelings. Our parts may vary based on past experiences and ways we have learned to adapt. But, we all have them. Some typical ones that show up are:

People Pleaser
Busy Bee
The Fixer
Humor
Over-thinker
Confusion/distracted
The Aggressor/Anger
Controller

As Bessel Van Der Kolk describes in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, "At the core of Internal Family Systems (IFS) is the notion that the mind of each of us is like a family in which the members have different levels of maturity, excitability, wisdom, and pain. The parts form a network or system in which change in any one part will affect all the others."

How does Anger protect us? Well, if we hurt or feel rejected, Anger takes over and gives us a sense of control. Anger may give us space or sets a boundary, which makes us feel safe and protected from further hurt or rejection. Sometimes Anger surfaces to gain connection. Wait a minute? What?? Let me explain...If we are feeling disconnected from someone, we might lash out, hoping the other person feels bad and tries to apologize or make up for whatever they did or didn't do.

In the face of hurt, fear, and pain, Humor can also take over to distract us from uncomfortable feelings. What better way to take over feeling hurt other than using humor? If we are laughing and joking, we present to others and convince ourselves that 'everything is fine'. Your attempts at making me feel insecure or rejected are unsuccessful. If I can laugh at you, I prove; you can't hurt me. Humor can sometimes be a mask used to bury our insecurities and hurt.

After I answered the nurse, I started making jokes and chatting about our professions. While she prepped me for my MRI, I continued with the jokes and commented on the weather (Why do we always default to the weather in small talk?) As you can probably tell, Hijack Humor was also present with Strong Shannon, working over-time, to prevent fear from introducing itself. Laying on the table, face down, with an IV recently inserted, Frantic Fear started getting louder. When I go back to that moment, I imagine Frantic Fear jumping up and down, screaming, "I'm here, my dear! It's me, Frantic Fear". Let me be honest with you, Frantic Fear had been around even before this MRI took place. I had been ignoring her for some time. Busy Bee sprang into action as soon as I received my diagnosis. I had appointments to schedule. Tests to take. Labs to be drawn. Kids to care for. Lifestyle changes to make.

With each click of the machine, I was put further and further, into what appeared to be a 'torture tunnel'. My breath sped up, ears started ringing and my thoughts became louder and less helpful. "I can see why so many people complain about MRIs". "It really does feel like I am in a casket". "I really can't move". "There is no escape". And, at that very last click, the click that signified the torture tunnel had me completely surrounded, Frantic Fear finally received my attention. Strong Shannon and Hijack Humor had been working hard. They were exhausted and couldn't push back Frantic Fear any more. I started banging on the tunnel, repeating, "Get me out of here!" "Get me out of here!"

As I was exiting the tunnel, I began to breath slower and deeper. I asked the nurses, "What do I do? I need to complete this test". They mentioned a couple of options. Then, the nurse, who I had been chatting with earlier said, "I hate to tell a therapist what to do in this situation but some people think of their safe place." Oh my goodness!! YES!!, my safe place. I have one! I can go there! I told her to put me back in that 'tranquil tunnel' -see how that changed? For the next 45 minutes, I imagined lush green vegetation, birds chirping and feeling the soft texture of grass beneath me. My body relaxed. My thoughts changed. I was grateful I had time to visit my safe place. I missed it.

I still had the IV in my arm. The table beneath me was still hard and cold. The MRI machine was still very loud. Nothing about the situation changed, within those couple of minutes, except my thoughts and focus.

Once the sympathetic nervous system is turned on, it is difficult to access all of our inner strengths and healing resources. We are on automatic pilot. We are preparing for danger and our body responds. Mindfulness, deep breathing, body sensation awareness and imagination allow for our parts to be aware of each other. Once there is awareness, those parts can work with each other in order for all of our parts' needs to be met. In this example, Strong Shannon was an automatic response. She ignored Frantic Fear. We can all use support and reminders, once our sympathetic nervous system activates. Even therapists.

If Frantic Fear had been able to communicate, "I am scared. I am feeling overwhelmed. I need help", all the parts could have decided, who would be best to validate, acknowledge and support Frantic Fear? Maybe Mrs. Mindfulness or Self-compassion Sloth (For some reason, I think of sloths for self compassion. They must have tons of self-compassion for sleeping and laying around all day) might have been better choices. The important distinction is choosing versus reacting in stressful situations. We need to be calm, present and aware in order to choose. We need not bully or ignore parts of ourselves that are uncomfortable, painful or difficult. Those parts also have needs, messages and feelings. When we use curiosity, exploration, and investigation to explore our parts, we won't be hijacked by them.

I know this may seem odd or unfamiliar to look at ourselves, as all these different parts. It does not mean we 'black out' and lose sight of who we are. It means me have learned to adapt, needing different parts of ourselves, in different situations. (The movie, Inside Out , does a beautiful job at explaining our different parts and feelings) Often, especially when we are experiencing anxiety, we have parts in conflict with each other.

One part of me wants to go to this party and make new friends. One part of me wants to stay on the couch, Netflixing it all night.
One part of me is really excited about this new opportunity. Another part of me is terrified.
One part of me is angry with you. Another part of me understands why you are upset.
One part of me wants to move on. Another part of me wants everything to stay the same.
One part of me is sad. Another part of me is grateful.

Next time you are under stress or in a new or unfamiliar situation, notice what part of you comes online and is in charge? Explore that part.

How does it talk/act?
What is it possibly protecting?
What does that part need?
What would it like to say?
What is its purpose?
How would you describe that part?
What are the beliefs of that part?
What body sensations do you notice as you connect to this part?
What is this part's roles and responsibilities?

Just as you would take time to get to know a new, potential friend. Sit down and get to know yourself a little better. Have fun with this exercise. Don't take it to seriously. Explore and be curious!

]]><![CDATA[Grief and the Holidays: The Struggle is Real ]]>Thu, 26 Nov 2015 15:00:41 GMThttps://www.shineoncounseling.com/emdranxietyandtraumatherapist/grief-and-the-holidays-the-struggle-is-real

Terms typically associated with holidays are happy, merry, family, together, celebrations, traditions and party. However, for the newly bereaved, these words trigger different meanings and feelings. Increased Facebook posts and marketing highlight holiday cheer, celebration and blessings. This can bring mixed emotions to the newly bereaved as they deal with a loss of a loved one. Words like, grief, memories, loss, stress, dread, tired and sadness are more likely to be used to describe a griever’s holiday season.

This blog contains some simple and practical ideas to help get through this holiday season. I know these ideas will not fix or make things better. My hope is that these ideas will be helpful reminders for grievers to practice self–care and self-love throughout this holiday season.

Everyone grieves very differently. The needs of grievers are individualized and can change throughout the grieving process. In my years of working with the bereaved and observing my own feelings of loss, the 3 most common responses I have noticed are-

Loss of concentration or focus
The ‘rollercoaster’ or ‘waves’ of emotion
Fatigue.

During the holiday season, we usually go through our checklist,

“What do I need to do?
“What do I need to bring?”
“What do I need to buy for _______?”

How often do we ask? “What do I need in this moment?”

Track how often you think of others compared to yourself throughout the day. I know the season is about giving and sharing our love with others. Many find, helping others and giving back, softens their grief and builds connection. You don’t need to stop doing that. Just consider YOU as much as you consider others. Notice how your energy shifts or changes as you begin to focus on yourself more.

Do something different/Do something familiar – Some find keeping familiar traditions can be helpful in getting through the holidays. However, it can be overwhelming to be constantly reminded of our losses during the holiday season. Traditions can easily trigger past memories and remind us of the reality of our loss. Combining new or different ways to celebrate, along with our familiar traditions, can lessen the intensity of our feelings and decrease triggers to one’s grief.

Whatever you do the first year, after a loss of a loved one, doesn’t mean that will be your new tradition. Many people have said they kept all their same traditions, even though they didn’t want to. They didn’t want others, especially their kids, to have additional losses and changes. Have a conversation with your friends and family, while planning the holidays. You might be surprised how willing they are to try something new/different when everyone's needs and feelings are addressed together. Others, put pressure on themselves to find a special way to memorialize or honor their loved one. It’s okay to do nothing or do whatever you need to do to get through that first year. What you do the first year, doesn’t have to set the precedent for the following years. Give yourself some time….

Shop Online – Shopping malls are filled with messages of celebration and holiday cheer. Music, families, couples holding hands, parents cuddling their kids can all be triggers to grief. Grievers are also easily over-stimulated – the feeling of ‘being on edge’ is often how it is described. The malls are filled with sensory overload experiences. The lights, sounds and smells can be too much to take in. If you find yourself needing to go to shopping, consider times when it is not too busy and crowded.

Regulate T.V/Movies – Many shows and movies have stories of love and loss, especially during the holiday season. Movies often provide a break or escape for a couple of hours. Research the story line a head of time or limit the shows you watch. Of course, you can’t prevent yourself from being triggered- which is not the point I am making here. It is okay to grieve. It is normal and expected to be reminded of our loved ones. Being aware and creating choices can help gain a sense of control and balance in the grief process.

Escape plan/Self-care plan – Many struggle between wanting to be social and wanting to be alone. Communicating your needs can create a feeling of safety and empowerment. Here are some of the ideas I have heard over the years.

Drive separately or have a driver that is willing to leave when you want to leave.
Talk to the host/ess before party. Ask for a safe, quiet place to go if you need a break-no questions asked.
Have an ambassador. Someone who speaks for you and helps set the limits. This person can tell others you need a break or time alone. You may prefer not be asked, “How are you doing” – sometimes that direct attention can cause a flooding of emotion. Others may be open and invite people to ask how they are doing. Make your needs known.
Tell your host you may cancel last minute, depending on how you are feeling. Mention, if you need to leave soon after arriving, please do not make a big fuss.

Ask for help and prioritize – If you want a big celebration ask for help with putting up/down tree, outdoor lights, shopping etc. Be mindful of your energy, concentration and emotional limits.

Find ‘your person’ – Ask someone if they are available if you need to talk over the holiday season. Many people don’t reach out because they are afraid of being a burden. It can help to have someone identified ahead of time. It will be much easier to call someone at night, when they have offered and want to be there for you when you most need them. Find ‘your people’ that won’t shun away from wanting to talk about your loved one and your feelings.

Drink water – I am sure this seems pretty basic but so easy to forget (remember concentration and memory can be the most affected in grief). My Master's degree internship was with the Phoenix Fire Department, as a Behavioral Health First Responder. I thought I would be using all of these great interventions and information I learned in grad school. What I learned was my most important intervention was handing out water. It not only served someone’s basic need but it also sent the message, “I care”.

Give the gifts of kindness, understanding and gentleness to yourself as you go through this holiday season.

]]><![CDATA[Can't Meditate? I bet you can! ]]>Mon, 12 Oct 2015 19:10:03 GMThttps://www.shineoncounseling.com/emdranxietyandtraumatherapist/cant-meditate-i-bet-you-can

When I bring up meditation or mindfulness in sessions most people respond with, “I can’t do that.” “My mind wanders too much”, or “I can’t stay focused”. There is this misconception out there that the mind must be blank or controlled during meditation. I believe people imagine sitting on the floor, similar to what a Buddah statue looks like, chanting “OM”. This is what mediation should look like, right? NOPE! One of the biggest components to meditation and mindfulness is not judging your practice and putting expectations of what you should be doing or thinking. The basic definition of meditation is: To engage in contemplation or reflection. Meditation is often perceived as tuning out the ‘noise’ and sitting in silence. That is one way to practice but there are many other ways. I bet you are already practicing some. You just don’t even know it!

I describe meditation or mindfulness as a way to tune ‘in’ rather than tune out. I tend to be an anxious person myself. If you tell me to tune out, I become more aware of my anxiety and my critical voice kicks in. “I must be doing it wrong”. Tuning in and bringing awareness to thought, activity and feeling triggers the parasympathetic nervous system. This system slows down our heart rate and breathing and increases intestinal and glandular activity. It is the part of our automatic nervous system that regulates the body’s unconscious actions- digestion, reproductive, salivation etc.

Activity that allows us to tune in, focus and relax can be a form of meditation.

Do you enjoy….

Painting
Walking
Nature
Gardening
Cooking
Music
Playing an instrument

Have you ever described being in the ‘zone’, while engaged in any of the above mentioned activities? These activities trigger our natural relaxation response, signaling the shift to the parasympathetic nervous system. When we are in a relaxed state, we are able to concentrate, focus and think clearer. Our brain is able to see the broader picture. We are able to respond rather than react. Our self-dialogue becomes more positive and optimistic.

Conversely, when our sympathetic nervous system (also known as the ‘flight or fight’ response) is turned on, the body reacts by preparing or prepping us for stressful events or danger. Our bodies can’t determine if it is real or perceived danger. It just automatically responds. Ever hear of someone building a bomb shelter and storing food and water ‘just in case’? That is kind of what our brain does as it responds to stress and danger. Our brain is trained to look at what’s wrong or how to be prepared for something bad to happen. The intent of this response is to protect and prepare us. However, this leads our brain to become narrowly focused, skeptical, critical and negative.

How can these activities listed help us meditate or practice mindfulness? The answer is simple – Notice and bring awareness to self when engaged in these activities. Tune in! It’s like trying to tune into a radio’s frequency to get better reception and understanding of what is being said. We need to do the same for our body’s frequency. By doing so, you are contemplating and reflecting which is the basic definition of meditation, remember?

Here are some questions to tune in and create connection, understanding and awareness.

How does your body respond in this activity?
What does my body need at this time?
Do I need rest? Eat? Stretch? Is there tension, tightness or pain?
Pay attention to your breath and body sensations
What are you feeling?
How does your body move in this activity? Fast? Slow? Fluid? Stiff?
What messages are in your head?
Are you enjoying this activity?
How do you know you are enjoying (or not enjoying) this activity?
What do you smell, feel, taste, hear?
Are you aware of any memories while doing this activity?

Meditation can be active and engaging. You don’t have to be a posturing Buddha-like figure. Here are some other ways to build your practice of meditation and mindfulness.

Eating- Next time you take a bite of your food, notice what it looks and smells like before eating it. Notice how you are feeling. Are you eating in response to a feeling or stressful situation? Notice the texture and taste of the food in your mouth before swallowing.

Yoga – I also get much resistance when I suggest yoga as a way to relax or meditate. “I have tried it. It’s not for me” is a typical response. Did you know there are many types of yoga? Here are few brief descriptions.

Try a few different types before dismissing yoga all together. Yoga has many natural, holistic, healing and restorative benefits.

     Yoga Nidra - Refers to the conscious awareness of the deep sleep state. It is the
deepest possible state of relaxation, while remaining awake.

  Power Yoga- Combines strength training, stretching, and meditative breathing. Many
   of the moves produce sweat and muscle! In this class, yogis can look like a pretzels
   with how they twist and bend their bodies. Anyone that says yoga is too easy hasn’t
   been to this class. Each flow moves into the next, making it an intense aerobic
   workout.

     Bikram Yoga- Is the hot yoga! There are 26 regular poses within this type of practice.
   Benefits are detoxification, strength development, flexibility and tone.

  Vinyasa Yoga – This class focuses on breath and movement. It is a very physically
   active form of yoga.

     Restorative Yoga- One of my favorites! Blocks, blankets and bolsters are used to
   passively relax muscles.

     Yin Yoga – Referred to as yoga for the joints. Often, this type of yoga is perceived as
   ‘easy’ and ‘soft’ but holding long poses, sometimes up to 20 minutes can not only be
   challenging for the body but also the mind.

Read more about the different types of yoga on www.matsmatsmats.com

Qigong- The rhythmic, repetitive and gentle flowing movements and breath techniques of Qigong create a calm, peaceful meditative state. Qigong produces many health benefits, including improved, restorative sleep and increased energy, creativity and spiritual effects.

Breathing Techniques- So many to choose from. Here are a few examples.

     Diaphragmatic breathing – Deep breathing contracting the abdomen rather than the
   chest. The inhale should expand the abdomen and deflate on exhale.

Count while breathing – Counting can help slow down the breath as you focus on the
numbers.

     Descriptive Breathing- As you inhale, breathe in positive words (relaxation) and exhale
negative words (stress)

      Ocean breathing – Breath slowly in and out through your nostrils. Notice your breath
  and the rhythm it creates. Watch your chest rise and fall. Listen to the soft, gentle
sound that your throat creates similar to the sound of the ocean waves floating on the
coast.

Fire Breathing – Take a deep breath in through your nose, down to your abdomen. As
   you exhale, breath out through your throat as you would if you would be fogging up a
   mirror with your breath or add the sound “HAAAAAAA”. This form of breathing can be
helpful in releasing 'stuck' or negative emotions.

   Image Breathing – Imagine on the inhale a cloud (sailboat or water) on one side of
   your head and as you exhale you notice the cloud (sailboat or water) floating to the
   other side of your head.

Guided Imagery – Use breathing techniques to create a relaxed state. Once in a relaxed state, imagine a calm/comfort/safe place or positive qualities you want to enhance within yourself. Connect to the images using all of your senses. What do you feel, hear, see, taste and touch? Visualization paired with a relaxed state creates new neural networks in brain functioning.

Check out my resource page for some guided imagery CD’s.

Prayer – Creates focus, intention, reflection and connection within ourselves and our spiritual well-being.

Intention – Establishing an intention to any exercise or activity builds focus, connection and reflection. Try setting the intention “I am going to be my best self today” first thing in the morning. See how that affects your day. Or, set the intention, “I want to feel connected to my partner” before you set out to resolve a conflict or argument.

If you are having difficulty making changes or setting goals, start with creating an intention.

I intend to be more forgiving
I intend to be more open and connected to others.

Setting intentions creates that small space to allow for change, flexibility and CHOICE. You can then choose to respond rather than acting out of habit.

-Tara Brach has several books about self- compassion and setting intentions.

Loving-Kindness Meditation – You can create your own loving-kindness meditation, depending on your own needs and current challenges. Here is an example:

May you feel appreciated.
May you feel purposeful
May you feel good enough.
May you feel peaceful and at ease.
May you know the beauty of your true nature.
May you feel understood and supported.
May you feel loved and connected.

Say this out loud and then repeat meditation changing the ‘you’ to ‘I’. You can say this to a specific group of people, family, friends, humanity and/or yourself.

Pair this with imagery. Imagine your heart with open arms as it takes in and stores these words.

Headspace Meditation- Is an app on a smart phone that provides daily mindfulness audio scripts. They offer 10 free trials. They are only 10 minutes long, making it easy to fit into your day! Having someone guiding and prompting you can help you stay focused during your mindfulness practice.

Thisissand- Another app on your phone. The subtle, gentle movements of creating sand art on your phone can be very relaxing. Phone apps make mindfulness and meditation convenient which can increase accountability. Sometimes we just need that quick shift of focus to prompt the parasympathetic nervous system. Focusing on a project or activity quiets the ‘noise’ in our head. If you use this app, I would encourage you to practice noticing and awareness (scanning your body and notice any thoughts, feelings, sensations and breathing). Otherwise, this could be another mindless, ‘time-waster’ activity like watching television or surfing the internet. I hear many people say they relax by watching television or surfing the web. We do these activities when we want to ‘veg’ out, meaning check out. These activities produce a numbing affect from our stress. This is very different than what I am suggesting. I want you to relax but also check in and be aware of your emotions, mind and body.

You can even combine setting an intention to your work of art.

     I want to be more grateful... calm... inspired...etc.
     What would that look like in this picture?

I hope some of these suggestions will help you succeed with creating a meditation and mindfulness practice in your daily schedule. Start small – 10 minutes a day- as you create a new healthy habit!

*Disclaimer- For anyone experiencing dissociation or paranoid thoughts, please consult with your medical or mental health provider before attempting some of these practices mentioned in this blog.

]]><![CDATA[The Power in "Sitting": A visualization that explains the benefits of facing our feelings instead of running from them.]]>Wed, 08 Oct 2014 21:46:14 GMThttps://www.shineoncounseling.com/emdranxietyandtraumatherapist/the-power-in-sitting-a-visualization-that-explains-the-benefits-of-facing-our-feelings-instead-of-running-from-them

Anxiety can bring out the best and worst in us. A normal reaction to anxiety is finding a way to be 'in control'. Control gives us the illusion that we are protected and prepared, "in case something bad will happen". We make our lists. We are organized. We arrive 'on time' (which usually means at least 10 minutes early). We have googled and researched 10 solutions to a potential problem. We create mental scenarios to answer 'what if' questions that pop up randomly in our head. We quickly develop a plan, step by step, when given a task or responsibility. We don't have to be asked, "Are you coming to my party?" because we are the first to RSVP. We are knowledgeable about most illnesses and medical issues because we spend way too much time on Web-MD.

To our family and friends. we probably look high functioning, responsible and might even be described as someone, "who has it together". Little do they know, all these qualities and behaviors are created to compensate for our beliefs and fears that things feel like they are falling apart or will fall apart.

When we experience anxiety, we tend to go on auto pilot. We keep busy and look for things we can control. The underlying feelings to our anxiety are extremely uncomfortable. We distract ourselves to avoid experiencing or connecting to our feelings. The thoughts of, “I feel like a failure” or “Am I good enough” scare the bejeebers ...yes, that is a ‘real’ therapeutic term ;-) out of us. Instead of facing these thoughts, we do everything possible to hide these ‘secret’ beliefs and act ‘as if’ they don’t exist. When we are faced with challenges, our instinct is to solve or fix the problem right away, immediately, ASAP, STAT etc. You get the idea…

If you look closely, usually you can find the motto, “I can do it!” stamped on someone experiencing anxiety. The consequence of being a “do-er”, “over-achiever” or “perfectionist” is mental, physical and sometimes spiritual exhaustion. Pure and total exhaustion! When anxiety ‘amps up’, one may experience panic attacks. Panic attacks immobilize us which is our body’s desperate attempt to s l o w us down so that we may reconnect with our intuition and feelings. These two natural resources are our greatest strengths for healing and peace of mind.

One of my clients taught me how true this is, when I was facilitating a visualization exercise with her.

I was working with a client, whose husband died, unexpectedly. We had been working together for about a year, when she said, “Shannon, I am doing everything I can but I just feel stuck”. This feeling went on for a couple more sessions. I decided to do a visualization exercise with her and asked her to describe her grief journey as she imagined it. Her visualization started, at the beginning, soon after her husband’s death. She described walking through the wilderness as a metaphor for her grief. She began walking through heavy brush and tumultuous terrain which created obstacles for her to tackle. She described feeling exhausted and unmotivated to continue at times. She also felt scared and alone as she maneuvered through this wilderness. Eventually, she came across smoother surface, as she continued on her journey. She began to find food and water to maintain her energy and motivation. Feeling scared and alone remained consistent throughout her journey. However, she stated these feelings were not as strong and didn’t limit her as much as they did in the beginning. She finally found her way out of the wilderness…(YEAH!)...only to discover a vast, open field with no boundaries, no path and no direction…(BOO!). She said she felt “overwhelmed”, “lost” and “confused”. Her initial reaction was to run and keep running until she came across the “next place”. As she continued to survey this field, looking for an escape, she realized she didn’t even know where to begin. Her feelings intensified. I directed her to relax her breathing and stay with this image. And THEN…that moment…that glorious moment therapists wait patiently to witness…the moment when clients receive their own ‘ah ha’ moment. She decided to sit down in that field and wait for direction, instead of trying to force her way through, running in circles, wasting time and energy. She decided to trust and connect to her internal compass – her intuition, her own inner voice. A sense of calmness came over her. Her body looked ‘lighter”. She even smiled as she sat there waiting for her 'sign'.

At our next session, we revisited this visualization. She found herself seated at the edge of this same field. However, this time there was a path. She said she didn’t know where this path would take her but she wasn’t as scared. She felt hopeful and calm. She said she still felt sad but had a ‘knowing’ that "I will be okay".

My client faced her feelings instead of choosing to run and escape them. It was a courageous moment, a moment that provided great insight and healing…for the both of us! It is not an easy task to ‘sit’ and face our feelings but it is powerful and invaluable when we do. It can be a ‘life changing’ moment. When we ‘sit’ and look straight into the ‘face’ of our feelings, a weight is lifted. We are lighter and freer when we STAND again!

Contact:
Shine On Counseling
                                        Shannon Schiefer MA, LPC
                                      4525 S. Lakeshore Dr. Suite 102
                                            Tempe, AZ 85282
                                                480-331-4439

]]><![CDATA[Letting Go of Being a Victim]]>Sat, 12 Jul 2014 03:27:29 GMThttps://www.shineoncounseling.com/emdranxietyandtraumatherapist/letting-go-of-being-a-victim1The ‘victim’ role has such a negative connotation in our society. No one likes to raise their hand and scream, “Me! Me!” when asked, “Have you ever been a victim?” However, we are all victims to something in our life. Before learning about how to move out of this role, let’s talk more about being in the role. In our society, the victim role is often seen as weakness and exposes our vulnerabilities. This can feel scary, overwhelming and shameful. Our reaction is often to hide feelings associated with being a victim. By doing so, we are essentially placing these feelings in an internal prison, locking them up, with no way out. An important step in moving past the victim role is acknowledging and expressing our feelings related to this role.

How do we know when we have been in the victim role too long?

Feeling ‘stuck’
Isolating from support or noticing your support pulling away
Focusing mostly on what’s wrong or negative
Predicting or expecting bad things will happen
“Yes, but…”
Telling the same story over and over again
Holding on to Anger and Resentment

Here are some ways to help move you out of the victim role.

Tap into your strengths: When we are dealing with struggles and challenges in life, our focus tends to shift. We start to only see what is wrong, what’s not working, or other challenges we face. We can lose sight of the strengths, support and positive experiences that are happening as well. Practice ‘finding the rainbow’. Record and acknowledge at least one positive experience or message each day. It can be anything. You may have to start small. Increase this task each day. Have fun with it. Use your humor and detective skills as you search for positive messages and experiences throughout the day.

Positive support: We sometimes stay in the victim role because we may not be getting the support we need or deserve. If no one acknowledges and validates our thoughts and feelings, we tend to hold onto them. We start voicing them louder and more frequently until we get the validation and understanding we need. Take a look at your support system and identify at least one person you know you can trust, who will validate and support you. Counseling may be a good option if you determine you currently have limited positive support.

Dispel the myth of being strong: As I previously mentioned, we have the tendency to view being victimized as a weakness. These myths of ‘being strong’ and ‘pulling yourself up by your bootstraps’ perpetuate the victim cycle. These ideas or ways of being are not so easy to practice when we are faced with loss, challenges or mistreated by others. If we gave ourselves, and others, permission to grieve and acknowledge our hurt and pain, we would receive messages of support and encouragement instead of shame and weakness. When we are in the victim role, we tend to believe we are not ‘strong enough’ or ‘doing it right’. Consequently, we feel like we have failed.

Find ways to provide compassion and understanding rather than judgment and criticism. Examples of compassionate self-talk: “You didn’t deserve this.” “You have the right to feel this way.” “You are courageous by facing this challenge/ loss.” Rely on your spiritual faith and/or positive quotes to provide messages of compassion and understanding. Imagine how you would respond to a friend, dealing with his/her own loss or mistreatment. What words would you use to provide support and validation?

Rely on past challenges: At a time of loss or struggle, sometimes it seems like we will never get through it. Our world seems dark and we feel helpless and hopeless. We can’t see any way out. However, if we take time and reflect, we can probably think of past times we have thought and felt this way before. We can start to look at what or who helped us in these prior experiences. What gave us hope at a time we thought there was none? What worked in a prior experience to help us get ‘unstuck”?

Reach out: I mentioned checking to make sure you are receiving positive support within your network. Once you identify those people, make sure you reach out and ask for help or support. When we are feeling victimized, we tend to isolate and withdraw. We feel like no one understands what we are going through. Your family and friends can’t understand exactly what you are going through but they can provide an opportunity for you to describe and express your feelings and experience. You don’t have to do this alone. When we share our experiences and feelings, we feel more relaxed, connected and understood. Try connecting to an individual or group that may be dealing with a similar issue as yours. The biggest benefit people report when they attend a support group is, “I don’t feel so alone”.

Another way to reach out is to offer help and support to others. Helping others gets us away from the negative thinking attached to the victim role mentality - "Why me?". When we see others in distress, we realize we are not the only ones struggling and others can have it worse than us. The more we love and care for others, the more we can accept love and care for ourselves.

Change your story: When we have an experience, we attach a story to it in order to describe and share with others. If you find yourself telling the same story over and over again, noticing anger, resentment, and negativity increasing, you may want to consider 're-writing' your story. Example: "No one likes me. Every one of my friends takes advantage of me. No one is ever there for me when I need it" Re-write example: "I feel like my friends take advantage of me. If I learn to say “no”, I wonder if things will change." OR, "I need to meet more friends. I want to be treated the way I treat my friends." Use the image of a kaleidoscope as a way to remind yourself that turning the kaleidoscope changes the design. We experience similar results when we do the same. When we change the way we look at something; our perspective changes.

Feel in Control: When we feel victimized, we feel helpless and out of control. Bring awareness and take note of things you do/don’t have control of in a situation.

Example: I lost my job due to recent cutbacks. I will never find another job because of my age and lack of experience.

Don’t have control of:                           Do have control of:
-Being fired                                        -Experience
-Age                                                    -Attitude

Find ways to let go of the ‘Don’t’s and use the 'Do's to help build a plan of action. Start taking responsibility for what you do have control over.

Forgiveness: We don't necessarily have to condone or accept what someone has done to us. However, finding a way to forgive can set one free. Make sure to include self-forgiveness as a part of this step. Many times, when we are victimized, we think we caused or deserved it. If we hold on to this belief, we hold onto the victim role.

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." - Katherine Ponder
]]>