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Mindfully Mastering Your Anxiety

6/23/2014

Struggling with anxiety is like continuously running a marathon. We seem to think, if we can stay ahead of what we are running from, we won't have to deal with 'it' and 'it' won’t ‘catch us’. The problem is; we can’t stop running. If we slow down or stop, our anxiety will catch right up to us. It will be that annoying runner, who doesn’t understand personal space. The one next to you, who occasionally bumps you and generously shares his /her sweat. You eventually break your own rhythm and stride, as you desperately try to break free. We are under the illusion that keeping busy distracts and frees us from the feelings and experiences that feed our anxiety. It seems, staying ahead of our anxiety gives us short-term relief but long-term pain. Conversely, facing our anxious feelings gives us short-term pain but long-term relief.

How can we finally finish this anxiety marathon and enjoy the sweet success of our victory?

Mindfulness has been one of the most successful tools I have used to deal with anxiety in both my professional and personal experience. Mindfulness often gets confused with meditation. For me, there is a significant difference. Meditation is trying to relax by tuning everything out. Mindfulness is a stress-reduction practice that focuses on tuning in. Try asking an anxious person to breathe and tune out the ‘noise’ in their head. You may actually witness a scene similar to the one in the movie, The Exorcist, where Linda Blair's head spins around uncontrollably. Being an anxious person myself, I find it much more beneficial and productive trying to tune in to my experiences. It allows me to feel a sense of control. With mindfulness, I am actively aware of and choosing to connect to my thoughts and feelings. I am not just reacting to them any longer. Initially, this new way of being can be scary as I connect more to my thoughts and feelings. However, there is a sense of freedom and empowerment that comes from choosing rather than reacting to my thoughts and feelings.

Key Elements to Mindfulness

Practice deep breathing.
Allow for thoughts and feelings to surface.
Do not judge these thoughts and feelings.
Don’t try to change or analyze the experience.
Allow the thoughts to drift in and out.
Bring attention back to your breath in between thoughts.
Tune into what you feel, hear, smell, and see.

Sounds simple, right? It’s one of those simple concepts yet the implementation is much more challenging. You will be more successful setting a small goal each day to begin your practice. I encourage people to start with 5 minutes once or twice a day. You can increase this as you develop your practice. The most common response I hear from clients practicing this tool is, “I am not doing it right. I can’t stop my thoughts. I am too distracted.” My response?.... “Awesome! It’s working.” You are not trying to STOP your thoughts. You are trying to TUNE into them. If you are aware of your thoughts, it means you are allowing and connecting to them.

How can this help with anxiety?

1. When you start to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, you start to gain control.

2. You are beginning to slow your thoughts which will eventually give you the opportunity to intervene and choose how you want to respond rather than feel victim to the uncontrollable thoughts that so often race through our mind with anxiety.

3. You are also creating a relaxed body for those thoughts and feelings to surface. Your relaxed body is providing a sense of safety and confidence, allowing you to connect to and experience your feelings. When we face our feelings of hurt, pain, loss, and confusion, they hold less power and start to lessen. We don’t feel the urge to continue running. We won’t be afraid of the calm and quiet any more. We will be able to embrace and indulge in it.

4. You will be able to “stop and smell the roses.” You will be more present in your relationships, experiences and own body. You will be able to experience joy, happiness, satisfaction and accomplishment in a deeper, more colorful way. It is hard to do this as you run by these moments, trying to stay ahead of anxiety and all that it encapsulates.

5. Try incorporating mindfulness in other areas of your life.

Eating Mindfully

1. Commit to one meal a day spent mindfully eating.

2. Pay attention to your meal’s presentation. What does it look like? What colors do you notice?

3. Before you bite into your food, take time to smell it. What do you smell? What feelings are triggered? Our sense of smell connects us to memories and feelings more than any other of our other senses.

4. Take time to chew your food. What does it feel like in your mouth? How would you describe the textures? How does it feel as you swallow the food?

As you begin to practice mindfulness, you will start to realize how disconnected you may be to your daily tasks and routines. How often have you driven to your destination, unaware of the signs, exits, and nature you pass on a regular basis? Oftentimes we eat to nurture or ‘stuff’ a feeling. Practicing mindfulness, will allow you to connect to your emotions. Hopefully, giving you the awareness, time, and compassion needed to deal directly with that feeling rather than stuffing it with food.

I tell my clients, “If you are going to eat a bag of cookies, practice eating it mindfully.” The need to eat the whole bag will probably lessen as you become more aware and prepared to deal with your emotions. The much needed piece to make this practice successful is being open, without judgment, as you experience your thoughts and feelings. When I am ‘stress-eating', I usually eat the whole bag of cookies and then the self-inflicted abuse starts. “What a pig!” “Can’t believe you ate the whole bag.” “Do you not have any self-control?” …Then what do you think happens? You guessed it.... I want to eat another bag of cookies!

Mindfulness has created the opportunity to check in with how I am feeling before I eat the cookies. Then, I can choose to do something different. I am not going to lie. I will probably still eat some of those cookies (I am still working on will-power) but I will also be aware that I am stressed and will decide to talk to a friend or practice deep breathing. I will figure out what I have control over and let go of what I don’t. The desire to scarf down the whole bag of cookies is no longer there. Learning a new skill takes practice, commitment and most importantly – compassion.

Compassion Mindfulness

Since compassion is an important piece of building mindfulness, I invite you to take some time to reflect on what compassion means to you. Take a few deep breaths in and out, connecting you to this present moment as your body becomes more relaxed. Notice your breath come in and out from your heart space-the place where compassion is stored. Now, call to mind a time someone responded in a compassionate way to you. A time when someone reached out and you felt connected to the love they shared with you. Stay with this feeling, breathing it into your heart. Staying with it as long as you need, aware of your breath going in and out. As you exhale, you slowly breathe out, “Thank you. Thank you.” Continue doing this as long as you need. Other memories of compassion may come to mind, breathing each one in and slowly exhaling, “thank you”. Stay with these memories as they enter your heart, filling it deeply with love and compassion. As you do this, imagine a color that describes what your heart feels like filled with love and compassion. Breathe this color in and out as much as you would like, until you feel complete. When you feel ready, have your breath bring you to this present moment, becoming more aware of what you see and hear around you. Take this experience with you and draw upon this feeling of compassion when you need it next.

**Be sure to check on the many mindfulness resources on my 'Resource' page. Mindfulness is an evidenced-based practice.

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The Holistic Impact of a Cancer Diagnosis (and Other Chronic-Long Term Illnesses)

6/17/2014

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A cancer diagnosis can disrupt your life in many ways, because, who really prepares for a cancer diagnosis anyways? You will be surprised over the next few months how much you will learn (reluctantly and possibly unwillingly) about the medical system, your specific cancer diagnosis, your support system and most importantly - yourself.

Emotionally: Numbness, shock, fear, anger, guilt, confusion, grief and helplessness are some of the feelings that affect a cancer survivor. Although, I don't want to ignore some of the positive feelings one may also experience. Cancer survivors may experience feeling more loved, grateful and empowered after their diagnosis.

As humans, we have the ability to experience a full range of emotions. However, along the way, we have learned to express and accept the 'either/or' way of feeling. For example: If someone is talking about their grief regarding the death of a loved one, people are quick to respond, "Be grateful for the time you had with him/her (Just a side note: I have heard this commonly with couples, who have been married for decades. Most of their life was attached and witnessed by their partner. Does one really believe their pain is any less because they had so many years with their beloved partner?) We can be grateful and grieving. We don't have to choose. As a cancer survivor, you have the right to feel what you feel. You can be scared and hopeful! Our ability to face and address our very complex feelings is part of our innate ability to heal. We wouldn't know joy without pain, hope without despair. It is helpful to give and receive permission to feel YOUR feelings.

Mentally: Distracted, confused, forgetful, tired, 'chemo brain', worry and more worry are common mental changes. Cancer survivors often feel frustrated with themselves because they can't function like they normally do. They may notice changes in their job performance, household tasks, or even in their relationships. Self-compassion can alleviate some of the stress associated with these symptoms. People assume self-compassion is easy. However, compare the negative thoughts against the positive, encouraging messages you hear from yourself daily? Self-compassion often needs to be learned and requires much practice. (Check out my resource page for self-compassion and other cancer support resources)

Physically: Similar to the full range of emotions one experiences with a cancer diagnosis, he/she can also experience a full range of physical changes, depending on the diagnosis. I hesitate to list all of the symptoms because you already know them. You are experiencing them. There can be grief attached to the changes in physical abilities and performance with a cancer diagnosis. It is important to process the individual and secondary losses (unable to drive, loss of job, loss of hobbies, friendships or enjoyable activities etc) associated with your diagnosis. Validation and finding compassionate support are invaluable resources as you process these changes and losses.

Spirituality: People can either gain strength in their spiritual-religious beliefs after receiving a cancer diagnosis or question them, possibly even experiencing anger. People tend to feel shameful and/or confused about these questions or spiritual conflicts. It can be very validating and empowering to share these conflicts with a safe, non judgmental person. Learning and understanding that this is a healthy and normal part of one's experience, when faced with a significant life challenge, can be liberating and freeing. It can also provide the healing needed to re-connect with your beliefs, possibly even forming a deeper relationship than before your diagnosis.

Socially/Family: People learn the most about their support system during times of loss, struggles and challenges. Interesting, huh? You can either see the best or worst from people, often being surprised by who 'show's up'. It can be tough for both the cancer survivor and their support system. We tend to have established roles, ways of communicating and formed expectations within relationships. A cancer diagnosis or another significant life event, can rattle that old way of functioning. It's almost like everyone starts speaking another language. Each person affected (and cancer affects the WHOLE family and support system) is trying to express their needs and interpret the needs of others, based on this new language. It can be a very confusing and frustrating time which can lead to feeling misunderstood and alone, when trying to give or receive support.

A good example of this is: Many cancer survivors go into 'survivor' mode when initially diagnosed. They decide on the treatment and medical team. They take the medication. They get the scans, tests and blood work completed. Then, they receive the good news that their prognosis is improving and treatment ends or decreases. This should be a time of celebrating, right? Most often, families think so. However, many cancer survivors are not quite there, yet. Since they were in 'survival mode', many never had time or energy to deal with their emotions. Now, that treatment is done, the emotions flood their system. This is the time they start reflecting and facing all that they have experienced. Sometimes, cancer survivors report feeling more vulnerable after treatment ends because they are not doing anything to 'fight it'. There may be an increase in anxiety and worries about the 'what ifs'. This is an imperative time to learn stress management and coping tools which emphasize relaxation, empowerment and a sense of control. Providing a space to grieve all the losses of past, present and future (dreams and hopes) can be an important step in healing.

Understanding the holistic impact of a diagnosis provides validation to the many mixed, overwhelming and ambiguous feelings one experiences. It is also a reminder that focus should not only be placed on the physical aspect of a diagnosis or illness. Other areas of our 'self' tend to get neglected when dealing with physical issues. When we respond to our needs with a holistic understanding and perspective, we can impact our support and healing on a much deeper level.

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"Yes, I mean Maybe... Oh, OK, Sure, No Problem": Are Your Boundaries Confused?

6/11/2014

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Have you ever said “Sure! I would love to!” when your inner voice is SCREAMING, “No! Don’t say yes. You will regret it!?” Do you regularly feel disappointed with others because you feel you give more than they do? Do you feel resentful after you agree to help out a friend? Does it seem easier to say “yes” to something you don’t want to do rather than feel like you are disappointing someone? Do you 'clam' up when people try to get close to you? If someone doesn't meet your initial expectations, do you quickly dismiss them?

If you said yes to any of the above questions, you might be 'boundary-challenged '. Boundaries can be hard for you to establish or you set very rigid, inflexible boundaries. How does ‘boundary-challenged ' living affect your functioning and relationships?

Lack of boundaries

You may feel like you are taken advantage of in your relationships.
You might describe being manipulated or “walked all over” by others.
Your ‘to do’ list might include doing more for others than yourself.
You disclose personal information easily and quickly in a relationship.
You may have regular feelings of disappointment, resentment and fear of abandonment.

Rigid boundaries

You often feel like an ‘outsider’ in your social circle.
You have very few-if any- close, long-term relationships.
You rarely ask for help or express your feelings with others.
You ‘do your own thing’ most of the time, keep busy and avoid intimate interaction.
Other people’s emotions overwhelm you.
You may have regular feelings of disappointment, resentment and fear of abandonment.

What if, after reading both lists, you think, “I identify with both”. This can be common. People, who are ‘boundary-challenged’', can go back and forth between having absent and rigid boundaries. A person may try to develop a relationship quickly by pleasing and disclosing intimate information too soon. If they sense the other person starts pulling away, one may respond by ‘shutting down’ to protect oneself from feeling rejected or abandoned.

Becoming ‘Boundary-Healthy’

1. The first thing always starts with awareness! Be aware of and identify your feelings before you react. When asked to do something for a friend or when someone discloses personal, intimate information to you, take time to acknowledge what is going on inside of you. If it is hard to identify feelings at first, start with body awareness. Your body will bring awareness to where your feelings are stored. If you notice your ‘stomach in knots’, excessive sweating or tightness in another area of your body, explore what your body is trying to tell you. I know it can sound silly to imply your body is ‘talking’ to you. However, pain, tightness and other physical symptoms can send messages and signals, asking for help and attention. While you are deep breathing, you may even consider visualizing a symbol or color to identify the sensation or feeling. Externalizing the pain or tension can help one gain insight and a sense of control. It can be easier to describe the feelings or words associated with the color or symbol than the actual pain or tension itself. Your body sensations and feelings will start to be ‘signs’ that your boundaries are either being violated or too uncompromising.

2. Take responsibility for your own behaviors and choices. You can complain all day long how ‘So and So” doesn’t ever return a favor. But I promise you, complaining won’t change a thing. Why would “So and So” want to change? They have someone always ready and willing to help. The change starts with you. When you start to become more familiar with those ‘signs’, you can now start being ‘boundary-healthy.’

3. Important questions to explore as you develop being ‘Boundary-healthy’

What do I fear might happen, when I say no?
When I can’t say no, how does that reflect on my own self-worth? What does my response say about me? Others usually reflect our own issues and insecurities.
When I don’t let anyone ‘in’, what am I protecting myself from?
If someone gets upset with me for saying no, do I feel their reaction is fair or warranted? Would I respond that way if someone said 'no' to me?
What are the consequences if I continually push people away?

4. When you start establishing boundaries, go slow and pace yourself. This is not an easy task. It takes time to create a new habit. When practicing your new way of ‘being’, proceed with people, whom you trust and respect. You may even consider telling them you are practicing to elicit support and understanding. Support will be needed to maintain ‘boundary-healthy’ living.

Be specific.
Be repetitive.
Be respectful.
Don’t justify or explain yourself –respond simply.
Don’t feel pressured to respond right away. Take time to breathe.
Practice what you want to say before responding.
Be prepared if they do not accept your 'no'.
Remind yourself, you are not responsible for their feelings and/or reactions.
Understand some relationships may change or end once you become 'boundary-healthy"
Consult someone you think is ‘boundary-healthy’ for their opinion.

When you are more ‘Boundary-Healthy', you will notice:

Feeling more ‘comfortable’ when responding in your relationships.
Empathy for others without ‘taking on’ their feelings.
Compromising and negotiating rather than ‘sulking’ or ‘demanding’.
A stronger sense of identity and belonging.
A greater sense of control.
Your mood or confidence will not be as affected by how others treat you or try to engage you.
Your ‘buttons’ will not be so easily pushed.
Deeper, more intimate relationships.
Being more understanding and accepting of your own and others imperfections.
A more authentic YOU!

Remember as you practice, you don’t have to start saying, no, to everything and everyone. Checking in with your feelings and body sensations, will give you the guidance and knowledge you need to determine when to say "yes" or "no". It’s even okay to say yes, to something you don’t really want to do, if you truly want to help a friend or family member.

Say YES! to ‘Boundary-Healthy’ Living!

            We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater
            than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us
            to change.” Henry Cloud, Author of the book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes and
            How to say No to Take Control over Your Life.

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Cultivating Creative Connections with Our Children and Adolescents.

6/3/2014

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Where is that Calgon when you need it? I may be dating myself with that reference but sometimes, as a parent, you wish it could be as easy as reaching for that Calgon to ‘take you away’ and give you a break from all the noise, confusion, fatigue and heartbreak that comes with parenting.

In this blog entry, I hope I can provide some alternative approaches and ways to communicate and connect with your child. With that being said, I feel I need to write a disclaimer emphasizing the importance of reading with an open and compassionate mind. Typically, when parents read anything on parenting, the first thing that starts happening is the ‘Shoulds’ and ‘Second Guessing’ come knocking, bringing ‘Guilt’ and ‘Shame’ to the front door. Please remember there is no handbook on parenting. You can read all sorts of books about ideas, strategies and tips on "What to do when your child…" None of them will know your child better than you. The best parenting strategy I use with parents is helping them identify and foster trust in their own parental intuition and strengths.

I think we can agree that children and adolescents are FULL of emotion. Although, this doesn’t necessarily mean they know how to connect to or express these emotions. Imagine trying to pour a 50 gallon tank of water through a small funnel. This describes the overwhelming and outpouring of emotion we often ‘see’ in children and adolescents. You know, the temper tantrums or the defiance that make you want to run to the bathroom, lock yourself in and never come out! This often leaves parents scared and dreading the intense emotions of their child. So, let me tell you about “The Day My Mom Offered Me $20 to 'Be Happy'.”

Fortunately, my mom and I can laugh about this experience now, but it wasn’t so funny at the time. I was in my early 20s and going through a tough time, feeling a little down-maybe even depressed. I was trying to open up to my mom and tell her how I was feeling. I can see now, how uncomfortable this made my mom. Similar to many moms, my mom’s greatest wish for her children is for them to ‘be happy’. So, when she offered me $20 to go do something that "will make you happy", you would have thought she was trying to force me to into washing windows or eating cow intestine by my response. Knowing my mom, I know every bit of her intention was good and loving. However, what I heard was, “My sadness was not okay or not normal.” I interpreted her request to mean I should do whatever I can to ‘get over it’- and do it quickly. My emotion made my mom uncomfortable and triggered the "I want to help" button. I was demanding understanding and validation. I didn’t want my feelings to be fixed. I wanted them to be heard. Now, when I ask my mom "If we can talk", the existing joke is, “Yes, and I promise, I won’t offer you $20”.

Naturally, sadness, fear, and insecurity, in our children, make us uncomfortable. My mom wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was exercising her desire and role to protect, which comes with being a parent. When a daughter tells her parent she thinks she looks fat or ugly, you probably know what happens next. …the ‘dreaded parent response’…..”That isn’t true dear; I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world.” Sometimes this is all your child needs to hear. But most often, you receive the typical ‘eye-roll response’ and the conversation changes or ends. Another reliable parenting response is using the “Why” approach. “Why are you sad?” Why are you anxious?” Try being curious and interested not questioning and demanding. Notice the difference in your child’s response.

I encourage you to get creative in your response and try something different. Consider finding out more about what your child is feeling by asking, “What do you feel when you look in the mirror?” “Where do you think these thoughts/feelings come from?” You are sending the message, “Your feelings are okay and normal. I can handle what you tell me.” Once you have her talking and engaged, you can help her develop her own coping and ‘rescue’ resources. You might continue with, “What helps you when you are feeling down?” Or, “Who do you feel most comfortable talking with when you are sad?” The message here is, “I trust you and am confident you have the ability to solve your own problems.” You are supporting as well as teaching. Can you see the difference between ‘rescuing’ your child verses 'allowing’ your child to experience and express their feelings? Children have feelings just like we do. Our job is to help them identify and express them not prevent or fix them.

Another child tells his parent, “I am worried about my test tomorrow.”

Typical parent response: “Don’t worry son. You will do great!"

Creative parent response: “Tell me more about what is making you anxious.” “What does your body feel like when it is anxious?”

Creating connection and trust response: “What seems to help you when you are anxious?” “Can you think of another time you were anxious? How did you get through it?”

Just to reiterate, this blog is about finding creative ways to connect with your child. It is not about what’s right or wrong in parenting. There is not one ‘right’ way to respond to your child’s needs and feelings. However, in parenting, we have our typical ‘go-to’ responses because let’s face it; we have many distractions, limited energy and not enough time to always be creative and attentive with our children.

Suggestions for cultivating creative connection:

Next time you want to jump in and be the ‘super hero’, pause, take a deep breath and see what feelings are surfacing for you before responding.
Have someone to talk to, who provides understanding and validation. Finding trusting support makes you feel like you are not alone and less anxious as you navigate through the challenges of parenting.
Providing a relaxed and open presence will invite your child to go deeper and build that connection.
Modeling what we want to teach our children can be the most powerful parenting tool to practice. (relaxation, positive self talk, asking for help, using your support system, taking responsibility for your own feelings and behaviors)
Before responding to your child, remind yourself not be scared of your child's sadness or feelings. It means if they are sharing their feelings with you, in that moment, you have a connection. Embrace and nurture it! You got this!

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. - Benjamin Spock ~American Pediatrician

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Discover your Light by Facing Your Dark Side

5/28/2014

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One of the highest ranked fears within our society is fear of the dark. Most of us wouldn’t step foot inside a cave without some source of light to guide us along the way. Not too many would go exploring without someone by their side. Light and connection to others reduces our fear, insecurities and resistance. The same goes for exploring those dark spaces within us. We try to avoid those dark areas because we are afraid of what lurks within them. We all have a little darkness in us. That’s right, it’s there! It’s a part of our human DNA. Some of you may feel resistance accepting your darkness, as I try to convince you otherwise. Don’t worry. I can relate.

When I first started exploring my ‘shadow effect’ (A concept introduced by Debbie Ford’s work www.debbieford.com), I thought, “I get this concept but ‘dark side'? I might have to really really look for mine.” I am a rule-follower. I am kind to others. I help when asked. My credit score deserves bragging rights. I return the $20 I find in the ATM tray to the bank personnel. I go out of my way to find a Target employee to show my receipt of paid merchandise, after leaving the bathroom. I received straight A’s in my Master’s program (Except one teacher decided to give me an A- instead of an A for my final class, which knocked my GPA done to a 3.97. He said he wanted me to learn to deal with imperfection.) What a jerk, right? Well, I definitely believed this to be true at the time. I realize now, he was pure genius and saw right through my dark side. Yea, I said that. All that ‘goodie-two-shoe’ stuff IS part of my dark side. It is the bodyguard standing at the entrance, refusing to let anyone close enough, to see what’s really there.

We have many things in our culture and society to distract us from our dark side. What resides in our dark side, you ask? It is usually filled with fear, vulnerability, pain, loss, suffering, and thoughts of ‘Am I good enough?” or “Do I deserve love?”. What does our dark side feel like? You know those headaches, stomachaches, eye twitching, and unexplained pain that don’t seem to go away. Yup, that is what our dark side FEELS like if it goes unnoticed and hides deep down inside of us.

Our distractions from our darkness vary from drinking, food, gambling, watching TV, shopping, keeping busy, excessive exercise and dieting, even humor –just to name a few. And, you guessed it… The “Good Girl” persona is one of them too. Turns out my dark side includes all of my attempts to prove I lacked a dark side. If I act as if I have everything together and “do all the right things”, then people won’t see my dark side; the one similar to everyone else's. Turns out, I too have pain, fear, vulnerability and hurt. Wow, that feels amazing to say out loud. Before understanding this concept, writing this down in a blog for everyone to see, would have terrified me. Now, when I talk about these feelings and negative thoughts, they diminish in size, intensity and frequency. My fears tried very hard to stop me from realizing I actually feel courageous and empowered when I own and face my “stuff". Not shameful and inadequate like they bullied me into believing.

Awareness and understanding of our dark side is just the beginning. Now, we have to remove the fear of facing our darkness, by bringing our light and team of support along our path of darkness.

What are our some of our light sources?

Gratitude and Joy: If we are aware of what brings us joy and gratitude, we will be able to enter the cave of darkness, without feeling like it consumes and envelopes us. Gratitude and Joy journals help us stay focused on the positive happenings and people in our lives. Reminding ourselves of these occurrences on a daily basis provides a sense of grounding and safety, making it easier to maneuver through the darkness. Poetry, collages, music, and bible verses are other ways to record and remind ourselves of gratitude and joy. A way to further deepen our gratitude and joy is to express it with others. (Brene’ Brown talks more about gratitude and joy in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection. She is brilliant! Check out the tab "Interesting Articles and Videos" for her presentation on Shame Resilience)

Learning from past failure: Acknowledging and sharing our past failures allows us the opportunity to learn from them. If we hide and ignore them, they become a part of who we are which often leads to the evolution of guilt and shame. When failure makes us feel helpless and inadequate, remember you have control over how it will affect you. It can be part of your healing or part of your baggage. Can you remember a time someone shared with you how humiliated they were because of some recent failure and you responded with, “I hear you. I have been there too. It is so embarrassing?” If so, I bet you can remember watching that person soften and breathe a sense of relief. Genuine connection and healing develop from sharing our deepest, darkest parts of who we are.

Bring along your support system: As I encourage you to face and express your feelings of vulnerability and fear. Be selective in who you disclose and share this information with when seeking support. Not everyone can handle holding a safe and compassionate place to nurture understanding and validation. You don’t want to finally build the courage to share and have someone respond with judgment or possibly minimize your experience and feelings.

Asking for help: For someone like me, this idea is down right cringe-worthy. I am the ‘helper ’ not the ‘helpee’. As I previously mentioned, I have enjoyed living under the illusion that “I am in charge and in control.” In the past, I would have considered asking for help as a sign of failure. A friend helped me realize; true friendship comes from having a balance of giving and receiving. She also shared it was important for her to reciprocate the help I provided her. She wanted to feel useful and productive too. It dawned on me, being a ‘one-sided’ friend, doesn’t allow me to recognize and appreciate my friends for who they fully are and all they have to offer. Essentially, all my ‘helping’ was taking something away from my friend and sending the message, “You need me but I don’t need you”. That message right there puts the brakes on true intimacy, doesn’t it?

Focus on being not doing: I feel productive and useful within chaos. “Shannon to the rescue-I can fix it!” Crisis makes me feel purposeful. However, as soon as calmness and peace present themselves, I am a basket case. I feel helpless and immobilized. Insert the analogy, ‘running around like a chicken with its head cut off’ to describe me when the quiet sets in. When I was young I would go to my aunt’s house to visit. She had a chicken coup on her property. I have seen this analogy in action and it isn’t pretty. I keep extremely busy attempting to avoid that dark space within me sometimes. It is exhausting, running around, unsure of the direction I am going. There is this irrational belief; "If I can move fast enough or stay ahead of 'it', I can prevent it from catching me". Allowing and respecting our quiet time makes our inner voice and direction become clearer and louder. There can be much reward and benefit in allowing the answers to come to us rather than trying to search for all the answers ourselves.

Forgiveness: Self compassion does not come naturally to most people. It needs to be learned and practiced. We are quick to judge and criticize ourselves for our mistakes and poor choices. Taking time to pause and consider how you may respond to a friend, who shares a mistake they made with you, can help in the practice of forgiveness. Consider identifying a comforting, loving message to say to yourself before you need to use it. It is hard to practice compassion after the criticism and guilt settle in. Start saying this message as soon as you start to notice thoughts of judgment.

Take a breath: Practicing deep breathing and relaxation tools are great sources of light. As I have mentioned in previous posts, you cannot have anxiety in a relaxed body. Your power will come from remaining relaxed and open to your feelings as you venture further into the darkness. Practicing deep breathing and keeping calm says to the darkness, “Bring it on. I can handle this.”

Something I have learned from this journey is that our darkness and light have adverse affects when you acknowledge and express them. When we face our darkness, it gets smaller and less significant. When we acknowledge our light, it shines bigger and brighter. To sum up the effects of our own light and darkness, here is one of my favorite quotes from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, “People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the light is out, but when the darkness sets in; their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.” Amen!

Please contact Shannon Schiefer MA, LPC at
4525 S. Lakeshore Dr. Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85282
480-331-4439

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"Either-Or" Feeling: How We Can Avoid This Trap

5/23/2014

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Have you ever been asked the question, "How are you", and you think, "Do they want the real answer or should I tell them what they want to hear?" We have labels and categories for everything. Our society and way of living has been summed up in quick, short statuses and posts. We don’t need to put the effort into getting to know someone or explaining who we are when one can say, “I am Republican/Democrat” - “I am an Introvert/Extrovert” or “I am a Cat lover/Dog lover” These labels help categorize people quickly and instruct us how to proceed. It prevents us from getting to know and understand the life experiences, stories and feelings that lead one to become a Republican, Extroverted, Cat lover. These same labels and 'quick status updates' have also been forced upon our feelings.

We have two main categories, good or bad, that we tend to place our feelings. We have fallen into the trap that you need to sum up and choose which feeling will define you, when asked “How are you doing?” Have you ever responded to this question with the real answer and saw the other person’s body language shift, attempting to rush you along? We don’t fully understand the consequences this has on us because this is our ‘norm’ in society. It’s asking someone to quickly take inventory of the surplus of emotion we are experiencing at any given time and choosing ONE, just one, to sum up how we are doing!

This may not seem like a big deal, when you run into a neighbor at the grocery store and ask how they are. However, what about when you ask a cancer survivor or someone dealing with another significant life event or illness? Cancer survivors often share they are encouraged to “Keep fighting! Don’t give up!”, after they just disclosed how scared they are after receiving poor test results. It implies, if someone expresses fear, they are not being hopeful. Can you see how the cancer survivor may even need to defend him/herself after this ‘encouraging’ comment? Can’t someone be scared and yet still be hopeful? Consider a griever being told, “Be grateful for the time you did get to spend together”, after they shared how sad they are without their loved one. When we grieve, it doesn’t mean we are not grateful. When someone had the courage to express their pain and vulnerability, does this reminder really help?

I can almost guarantee the family or friend, in the above examples, meant well by their intended uplifting messages. However, imagine if we didn’t force someone to choose from the ‘either-or (bad or good)’ category, when asked how they are doing. What if they were given the opportunity to possess feelings of hope AND fear (pain AND gratitude), when they respond to your question?

What if we honored and allowed everyone, including ourselves, to express the full-range of emotions we experience as humans. When did we start taking away the option to respond, “D: All of the above”? We are blessed with the gift to FEEL. Imagine the message of validation and understanding your loved one would receive by saying, “You have been through so much lately. I can hear how scary it is for you now. What keeps you going?” Or, “I can hear how much you loved and appreciated your husband/wife. What do you miss most about him/her?” This response validates the cancer survivors, strength and fear, and the grievers, pain and gratitude. It also sends the message you don’t want to hear just the summary. You want to honor their feelings and share a connection. When giving advice, it implies you know what will help someone better than they do. When you listen to their story and validate their feelings, you are allowing and supporting your loved one’s natural healing abilities and strength. You send
the message, “I am here for you. I care ”. One of the simplest and
most caring responses to deepen intimacy and create connection
is to say, “Tell me more ….”

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Anxiety: Friend or Foe?

5/11/2014

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Do you ever feel like you are in a constant battle with anxiety? Does anxiety infiltrate your mind with excessive thoughts and worry? Does it fight unfair and sneak up on you by changing your physical abilities? For example, do you get a racing heartbeat, excessive sweating, headaches, stomachaches, dizziness, nausea or trouble breathing? Do you go to the doctor because you think something must be wrong? Only to find out it has been anxiety and panic disguising themselves as you continue to fight for control over your mind.

Anxiety and panic also seem to increase their plan of attack at the most inconvenient times. Just as you are about to present to a crowd full of peers, whom you respect and admire….or, you are about to ask a girl, who you have been interested in for awhile, on a date. These ‘warriors’ sneak up and attack. You are given no warning? Or, are you? Learn how mindfulness and slowing your thoughts can give you the ammunition you need to fight!

People, who experience anxiety, have usually been experiencing it for some time. Excessive worry and thoughts about ‘being prepared’ for the ‘worst case scenario’ are actually purposeful for someone dealing with anxiety. They try to protect us and give us a sense of control. As you read this last sentence, you might be thinking, “That doesn’t make sense. Anxiety protects us and makes us feel in control?”

Logically, we know that this doesn’t make much sense. However, when you understand how our fears get triggered from past trauma or struggles, it starts to become a little clearer. Living in a chaotic, stressful environment, constantly feeling pressured by others to achieve success, needing everything to be organized and orderly to feel safe and in control, or acting a certain way to get love and acceptance are a few scenarios that contribute to anxiety. People learn to adapt differently. Here are a few examples:

One may believe if they expect the worst to happen, then they can be prepared for anything.
Another, may be overly critical of themselves. They never feel like they are 'good enough'. They need to succeed to feel satisfied and accepted.
This person has to have everything 'in its place' and has strict schedules/expectations in order to feel relaxed and comfortable.
Lastly, one may constantly try to guess what people need in order to be loved and appreciated by others.

Anxiety and panic become common reactions to distract us from our pain and insecurities, trying to detach us from feeling the void within ourselves. In other words, they began as a way to protect us from feeling or experiencing our fear and pain. In the beginning, it appeared they had a useful purpose. However, the benefits of their distraction only last so long.

We can never be fully prepared for the worst case. Even if you have thought of the worst case scenario, you can’t stop or control the feelings attached to that scenario.
You can never feel fully accepted if you are constantly seeking approval from others.
You can never feel completely relaxed and comfortable because there are many things outside of your control, especially in relationship with others. It takes great effort and energy to have things go according to your plan or meet your expectations.
You can never feel completely loved and appreciated if you have to rely on others to fulfill those desires.

It is exhausting and overwhelming to always ignore that 'void' we feel. You soon discover it is virtually impossible to deny its existence. Finally, you see anxiety and panic for who they really are. But how do you fight them? They have existed for so long. They know your fears and insecurities.

This may be sounding very familiar. You may even be experiencing some anxiety, trying to figure out how to beat anxiety and panic at their own game.

The GOOD news: You already have the arsenal of resources, abilities and strengths within you. It will take some effort, commitment, practice and support to identify, gather and use them to conquer those annoying enemies! Or are they enemies? Consider this...

One of the strategies used in defeating anxiety and panic is actually getting to know them, understand their purpose and learn from them. We have relied on them for so long, they have ‘inside information’ that will be helpful in achieving our intended goals. Once we really understand their purpose, you may even be surprised and see them more as allies.

The Plan of Attack:

It starts with awareness. You have to learn and understand how these old ways and beliefs no longer support you in your desire to live a more balanced, peaceful and authentic life.
Setting the intention to change. You have to make the commitment and voice your desire to change. Being held accountable and receiving validation are extremely important in this step.
Practicing the change: In order to change old habits and beliefs, we have to practice new ways of thinking and behaving to meet our emotional needs. As humans, we all have the innate needs and desires to feel safe, protected and loved. Your desire and request is not unreasonable. It is what you deserve!
Support while you are in ‘the battlefield’: You are going to need to receive support, encouragement and validation while you are in combat with anxiety and pain. It is hard work and takes a grueling amount of effort at times. It has taken years to build these beliefs and habits; it will not be a quick battle. You may feel like giving up because the work is difficult. It is helpful to have someone to introduce healthy alternative ways to cope. Because the fight can be long and tiring, progress can go unnoticed, by the person tackling their anxiety. Have you ever felt like your successes are overshadowed by what still isn't working? It is helpful to have someone highlight the progress you are making along the way to provide encouragement and hope.

How Emotional Stress Affect our Body

Emotional stress triggers our sympathetic nervous (fight or flight) system. Once activated, our sympathetic nervous system reacts by:

Decreasing digestion
Constricting blood
Increasing heart rate and breathing
Increasing blood sugar
Suppressing immune functioning
Stimulating amygdala which increases our fear/perceived danger response

In my therapy practice, we will focus on new stress management tools which will help you stay in your parasympathetic (rested) nervous system which will optimize and support your desire to change. You will also learn how to slow your thoughts, increasing awareness of your thoughts and beliefs. You will feel more prepared to choose your response rather than just reacting to a situation. Learning how to relax your body is one of the most important strategies in your arsenal. You can't be anxious in a relaxed body. Here are some examples of the tools used in sessions:

Mindfulness training
Self Regulation
Positive thought restructuring
Mind-Body connection
Committing to yoga and/or other physical activity
Guided imagery
Deep breathing
Building support system

If you are ready to fight this battle, I am here for you. Continuing with this analogy, imagine the military training a soldier needs to be a prepared and successful soldier. The training will be painful and exhausting at times. I ask you, "Have you suffered enough?" If you are up for the challenge, the benefits leave you with more intimate relationships, stronger confidence within yourself, and a true sense of trust that you have the ability and RIGHT to ask for AND believe your hopes and dreams deserve to come true.

Contact:
Shine On Counseling
Shannon Schiefer MA, LPC
4525 S. Lakeshore Dr. Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85282
480-331-4439

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Helpful Suggestions for Someone Who is Grieving

5/7/2014

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Dealing with grief and loss can leave one feeling overwhelmed, scared, confused and lost. This can lead to feeling alone, isolated and invalidated. Talking with someone in a supportive, caring and non judgmental environment can provide the space to process the full range of emotions grievers are left experiencing. Normalizing and understanding feelings of guilt, anger, relief, helplessness, and anxiety can be very powerful as one begins to heal.

Grievers receive the message from others and society that grief should be private and resolved in a few months. If you ask someone supporting a bereaved person, what is one thing the bereaved needs? Many times they will say "Don't talk about their loss (to avoid upsetting them)". If you ask the bereaved what is the one thing you need as you grieve? Many times their response will be "I need to talk about my loss". This shows how misunderstood a griever can feel at a time of loss. We are taught to "stuff" our feelings and "be strong". When one has the opportunity to openly grieve and share their feelings in relationship with others, they then have the ability to transform feelings of loss into healing, growth and peace. This can result in finding new ways to connect and honor the relationship you shared with your loved one.

Talk with someone - Try someone you know, a professional counselor, religious figure or a support group. Find listeners who will accept your feelings without judgment.

Ask for help - People want to provide help and support. Give them a task (shopping, dog walking, cleaning errands). There are websites that help organize these tasks. www.takethemameal.com or www.carecalendar.org

Give permission - To feel your feelings - the full range of emotions. Doing this is like medicine for your broken heart.

Journal - Write a letter or jot down feelings or thoughts. May want to consider to review notes at a later time. It is hard to see or feel progress as you grieve. Keeping track can help monitor your progress.

Relaxation or Visualization - Do nothing, rest, deep breathing exercises, listen to music, visualize a relaxing place, prayer etc.

Set goals - Make smaller, more realistic goals. Prioritize and delegate goals as needed.

Recognize your progress - Share your progress with others or through journaling.

Be in nature - Spend time watching beauty and life. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings while you are in nature. Possibly journal and track thoughts and feelings to gain insights and connect to feelings.

Pay attention and acknowledge messages - You may see or hear things repetitively. Explore what meaning this may have for you.

Movement - Gardening, painting, exercising, yoga, walking etc.

Be understanding and patient - You may notice a significant change in concentration and memory. Write things down, give yourself more time to accomplish tasks, add more time when driving to your destination, or ask others to remind you of important tasks and appointments.

Create Reminders - Find poetry, mantras, bible verses, or quotes that speak courage, hope and strength to you. Keep them near in a time of need.

Acknowledge the "Firsts" and "Triggers" - By acknowledging, you are honoring and remembering the moments, life and relationship that created them.

Mindful remembering - Set aside time to remember and talk about your loved one. For some, the emotions can initially be so overwhelming it is easier to set a limited amount of time (may consider setting an alarm). At the end of your time, change the scenery or do something to take care of you.

Develop a routine - Maintain part of your normal routine to create familiarity and comfort. However, you may find it helpful to change parts of your routine to prevent constantly being triggered. It is helpful to grieve in doses.

Preserve your time and energy - Say no when you do not feel like socializing. Many grievers report they are afraid to say no because they do not want others to stop asking. You may include this in your response, "No, thank you. Please keep asking. I might change my mind in the future" Or, "No thanks, but would it be okay if I call when I want to join you?" Develop an "escape" plan for social events. Oftentimes, you are not sure how you will feel once you are at the event. Have an ambassador - someone that will update everyone about your needs and how you are feeling.

Grief can be overwhelming and confusing - You are not only grieving your loved one as a person but all the secondary losses (loss of routine, financial security, support system, past or future dreams, self confidence etc) attached to him or her. You may find yourself torn at times - You are doing opposing tasks as you grieve. You are saying "good-bye" to your loved one as well as saying - "you will always be with me".

Trust your instincts - You have the answers, resources and strength within you. Your "voice" will get louder and clearer the more you listen to it. Allowing for quiet time can help you tune into your intuition.

These are only suggestions. Some of these examples might help more or less during different parts of the grief process. The most important thing to know is that not one person grieves the same! There is no textbook that has the answers for how to grieve. If you have questions or would like to further share how you are doing, please feel free to call me. Counseling can sometimes be that safe place that allows individuals to process and eventually release their feelings of grief, transforming them to feelings of hope and healing.

                                        Deep Breathing Exercise

     Take a breath in through your nose. Count to 5 in order to slow your breath.
       Imagine your breath filling your lungs all the way down to your abdomen,
       ensuring your belly is expanding (not your chest) to create a good stretch in
       the lungs. Pause your breath for a count of 1 and slowly exhale. As you
       exhale, try counting to 5 to release all the breath from deep within your
       abdomen.

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Infertility Support- Finding Your Bundle of Joy

5/4/2014

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Most people are quick to think I was referring to a baby when I named my infertility support group ‘Finding your Bundle of Joy’. Of course, that is something I hope for every woman, who attends my group and the many women who struggle with infertility. However, the title and the group itself, focus on finding that bundle of JOY in your life….which will hopefully lead you to that precious baby you dream of holding.

Many women start to live every day ‘trying’ to get pregnant, when they are having difficulty doing so. I remember every day of the month was consumed by, and centered around getting pregnant, during my infertility journey. The first few days of the month, and by month, I mean menstrual cycle month. Those first few days are a reminder, “you are not pregnant!" The following days are the anticipation of ovulation phase. The hope that this month will be different. The ovulation sticks come out. Each morning it is a rush to the bathroom. And, the wait begins. Finally, you get that smiley face and the party starts. Those few days can be fun for some but let’s face it, sex during infertility can be stressful for many. And for others, the wait continues. They never get to see that smiley face. The worries and questions start bombarding your brain. The days after ovulation can be mixed with anxiety and hope. Each day you pay attention to if you feel any different. If you were like me, you obsessed over implantation bleeding. “Was that little spotting it?" and "I think I feel something happening” were both regular thoughts I had approximately 6-10 days after ovulation. You really want to believe but fear gets pretty loud as the days progress. Then, those ambiguous symptoms begin; cramping, tiredness, swollen breasts etc. The voice of fear and hope argue louder than toddlers fighting over a toy. Finally,…you get the news…dreaded 'Aunt Flo ' arrives and it all begins again.

When dealing with infertility, those days spent focusing on getting pregnant, turn into months and even years for some. That narrowed focus has now consumed your energy, time, concentration and possibly finances. It’s hard to realize the shift that occurs in your life because your attention is preoccupied with the dream of becoming pregnant.

You may have experienced some or all of these shifts along the way:

Intimacy with your partner becomes strained.
Your interests and hobbies are shelved.
Optimism is threatened by fear.
Every month the shift of focus has changed to what is not working or what’s wrong with your body (especially if you are getting medical treatment. Sometimes we want to blame the doctors for the bad news. However, their role is to look at what’s wrong and how they can fix it).
Spirituality is questioned.
You start to wonder if you deserve happiness.
Shame becomes one of your main ingredient feelings.
Frustration builds. “What’s wrong with me that I can’t get pregnant.”
Friendships change.
Isolation becomes your go-to escape.
No one seems to understand.
You can’t even enjoy the very thing you want so badly. Cute, adorable babies become triggers to sadness and reminders of your reality.
If you hear another pregnancy announcement from a friend or on Facebook, you will most likely spend the rest of your night in fetal position, crying until your head starts playing some version of screeching, heavy metal music.

Does this sound like a life, dreaming of a beautiful baby or more like a nightmare? I would never ask you to give up dreams of becoming a mommy. However, I do ask you to pause and think about how your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors have shifted, since you began trying to get pregnant. Seriously, take time to write these down, share them with someone you trust or consider finding a therapist for support. Honor these losses and changes.

It is very important to grieve the losses you experience along this journey. Stuffing or ignoring the losses only fuels the very feelings you are trying to avoid. However, what might happen if we allow optimism, joy, playfulness, lightness and the peace you experienced, in the beginning of your journey, back in to our lives? Yes, this is scary. Things may not go the way we want. We risk being hurt. Preparing for bad news prepares our fragile heart.

Can you see how pessimism is a way to protect us from getting hurt? Pessimism, isolation, anger, worry are only trying to do their job-protecting us from pain. What if that is not working for us any longer? We realize, as hard as we try not to feel pain, we are in pain-emotional, spiritual, mental and physical. What if pessimism and all the other protectors make us feel tight, 'on guard', waiting for something bad to happen, tense, and numb? How might these thoughts and body reactions be affecting our ability to conceive? I am not implying one can make or not make ourselves pregnant. I never saw getting pregnant as easy as "just relax" or "don't think that way." However, I think it is worth considering and tuning into the stress that may be residing in our bodies, for our own sake. For our own self-love. From my own experience, it was hard to let go of how I was doing things, even if they did not seem to be working. It was hard to let go of trying. Hard to let go of controlling. If you are feeling stuck and having difficulty shifting focus back to you, try this. In a blog I recently read, they quoted from the children's book Going on a Bear Hunt. "You can't go over it. You can't go under it. You can't go around it. You have to go through it." This little chant perfectly expresses how to deal with our feelings and challenges.

Don't focus on what you want to stop doing (that creates resistance and effort). Focus on what you want to bring into your life. Once you include a new habit, interest or belief, what you wanted to stop doing, is usually long gone.
Experiment and be open with activities, interests, and beliefs that make your body feel open, relaxed and connected.
There are a lot of things we do not have control over during the fertility process such as the drug regimen, the schedules, and the results. Explore what you do have control over- breathing, doing something you enjoy for YOU, not with the expectation that it will lead to pregnancy.
Giving permission to focus on you and what brings you joy is NOT giving up on your dream of having a baby. Rebuilding your relationship with yourself can only benefit your future baby.
When you are running your hands through the grass or noticing, really taking in the sunset, check-in with your body. What is it sensing?
When sex isn't an act to get the job done but a way to feel your partner's support, love, connection and reassurance, what do you experience?
When you find the right person to share your story, one who can hold space and allow you to say and feel what you need to, without trying to fix or judge you, what happens?

You don’t have to give up on your dream but I encourage you to shift your focus and find YOUR bundle of joy again. Discover YOU again. Doing this may escort you right to the door of your dreams. When your heart is open, it can receive blessings bigger than your dreams. I invite you to allow for the messages and signs of love, reassurance and support, which are meant specifically for you. It is much easier when we are guided to our dreams rather than trying to force or control our way to our dreams. Find people who will allow you to share your feelings and listen with compassion. One, who doesn't try to cheer you up, tell you, "you shouldn't feel that way", what to do or compares your experience to another's. Know that you are not alone. I ask you, “What JOY do you want to discover or re-discover today?”

________________________________________________________________

Please contact Shannon Schiefer to find out more information on the infertility support group - ‘Finding your Bundle of Joy’. She run this group periodically throughout the year. Find out when the next group starts. She also see individuals and couples, who are dealing with infertility issues.
                                   Shannon Schiefer MA, LPC
                                   4525 S. Lakeshore Dr. Suite 102
                                       Tempe, AZ 85282
                                          480-331-4439

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Newly Diagnosed Cancer Support Tips

4/29/2014

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Receiving a cancer diagnosis is overwhelming and leaves many feeling lost, confused and scared. There is no manual to tell you how to feel nor any handbook describing the next steps to take after you receive the news. Here are a few cancer survival tips to develop a plan of care, help gain support, increase the sense of control and provide hope.

1. Talk with someone - Try someone you know, a professional counselor, religious figure, fellow cancer survivors or a support group. Find listeners who will accept your feelings without judgment.

2. Pick the right physician for YOU - Research and get recommendations for oncologists and surgeons. Identify important characteristics in a doctor - whether it is bedside manner or do you prefer someone that has a more direct and straightforward approach? Do you want someone who provides options to you or a physician that will make the decisions for you? Second opinions can be very valuable!

3. Limit information and research - Determine if gathering information and learning about your diagnosis empowers and provides hope or is it fueling your anxiety and worries. Limit resources in which you get your information. Ask your doctor, nurse or cancer community agency for sources of information such as websites and other agencies to gather further information.

4. Ask for help - People want to provide help and support. Sometimes caregivers can feel just as helpless. Give them a task (shopping, dog walking, cleaning errands). These websites help organize your planning. wwwtakethemameal.com and www.carecalendar.org

5. Bring along an advocate - Bring someone to medical appointments to help remember or write down information discussed. They can also give additional feedback to your physician regarding the changes or progress they have observed.

6. Be active in medical care - Ask for copies of your medical records at each doctor's appointment. Create a file organizing your medical tests, results, appointment, and prescriptions. This can be especially helpful when you are under more than one doctor's care. You can assist with your own care coordination and medication compliance. Write down questions before you meet with your doctor. Inform your doctor if you want to know or do not want to know your prognosis.

7. Create Reminders - Find poetry, mantras, bible verses, or quotes that speak courage, hope and strength to you. Keep them near and use in a time of need.

8. Preserve your time and energy - Say no when you do not feel like socializing. Consider saying, "No thanks but would it be okay if I call you when I want to join you"? Develop an "escape" plan for social events. Oftentimes, you are not sure how you will feel once you are at an event. If it is tiring updating everyone on how you are doing, there are websites (www.caringbridge.com) that can share your progress, feelings and experiences. You may feel empowered journaling your experiences or you may ask someone to update the blog on your behalf.

9. Be understanding and patient - You may notice a significant change in concentration, energy, and memory. Write things down, add extra time when driving to destination or accomplishing a task, and ask others to remind you of important tasks and appointments.

10. Focus on healing and not doing - Your checklists will start to look very different. Add self-care (take naps, listening to music, watch your favorite movie, spend time in nature, treat yourself to new lounge-wear). Make smaller, more realistic goals. Prioritize and delegate tasks as needed.

These are only suggestions. Some of these examples might help more or less during different part of your cancer experience. The most important thing to know is that not every one deals with cancer the same way. There is NO WRONG way to react to the diagnosis of cancer!

If you have questions or would like to further share how you are doing, please feel free to contact me. Counseling can sometimes be a safe place that allows you to process and transform feelings of anxiety, depression, grief, and helplessness into healing, hope, strength and growth.

Shannon Schiefer MA, LPC
4525 S. Lakeshore Dr. Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85282
480-331-4439

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Please contact Shannon Schiefer MA, LPC at
4525 S. Lakeshore Dr. Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85282
480-331-4439