Have you ever said “Sure! I would love to!” when your inner voice is SCREAMING, “No! Don’t say yes. You will regret it!?” Do you regularly feel disappointed with others because you feel you give more than they do? Do you feel resentful after you agree to help out a friend? Does it seem easier to say “yes” to something you don’t want to do rather than feel like you are disappointing someone? Do you 'clam' up when people try to get close to you? If someone doesn't meet your initial expectations, do you quickly dismiss them?
If you said yes to any of the above questions, you might be 'boundary-challenged '. Boundaries can be hard for you to establish or you set very rigid, inflexible boundaries. How does ‘boundary-challenged ' living affect your functioning and relationships?
Lack of boundaries
Rigid boundaries
What if, after reading both lists, you think, “I identify with both”. This can be common. People, who are ‘boundary-challenged’', can go back and forth between having absent and rigid boundaries. A person may try to develop a relationship quickly by pleasing and disclosing intimate information too soon. If they sense the other person starts pulling away, one may respond by ‘shutting down’ to protect oneself from feeling rejected or abandoned.
Becoming ‘Boundary-Healthy’
1. The first thing always starts with awareness! Be aware of and identify your feelings before you react. When asked to do something for a friend or when someone discloses personal, intimate information to you, take time to acknowledge what is going on inside of you. If it is hard to identify feelings at first, start with body awareness. Your body will bring awareness to where your feelings are stored. If you notice your ‘stomach in knots’, excessive sweating or tightness in another area of your body, explore what your body is trying to tell you. I know it can sound silly to imply your body is ‘talking’ to you. However, pain, tightness and other physical symptoms can send messages and signals, asking for help and attention. While you are deep breathing, you may even consider visualizing a symbol or color to identify the sensation or feeling. Externalizing the pain or tension can help one gain insight and a sense of control. It can be easier to describe the feelings or words associated with the color or symbol than the actual pain or tension itself. Your body sensations and feelings will start to be ‘signs’ that your boundaries are either being violated or too uncompromising.
2. Take responsibility for your own behaviors and choices. You can complain all day long how ‘So and So” doesn’t ever return a favor. But I promise you, complaining won’t change a thing. Why would “So and So” want to change? They have someone always ready and willing to help. The change starts with you. When you start to become more familiar with those ‘signs’, you can now start being ‘boundary-healthy.’
3. Important questions to explore as you develop being ‘Boundary-healthy’
4. When you start establishing boundaries, go slow and pace yourself. This is not an easy task. It takes time to create a new habit. When practicing your new way of ‘being’, proceed with people, whom you trust and respect. You may even consider telling them you are practicing to elicit support and understanding. Support will be needed to maintain ‘boundary-healthy’ living.
When you are more ‘Boundary-Healthy', you will notice:
Remember as you practice, you don’t have to start saying, no, to everything and everyone. Checking in with your feelings and body sensations, will give you the guidance and knowledge you need to determine when to say "yes" or "no". It’s even okay to say yes, to something you don’t really want to do, if you truly want to help a friend or family member.
Say YES! to ‘Boundary-Healthy’ Living!
We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater
than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us
to change.” Henry Cloud, Author of the book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes and
How to say No to Take Control over Your Life.
If you said yes to any of the above questions, you might be 'boundary-challenged '. Boundaries can be hard for you to establish or you set very rigid, inflexible boundaries. How does ‘boundary-challenged ' living affect your functioning and relationships?
Lack of boundaries
- You may feel like you are taken advantage of in your relationships.
- You might describe being manipulated or “walked all over” by others.
- Your ‘to do’ list might include doing more for others than yourself.
- You disclose personal information easily and quickly in a relationship.
- You may have regular feelings of disappointment, resentment and fear of abandonment.
Rigid boundaries
- You often feel like an ‘outsider’ in your social circle.
- You have very few-if any- close, long-term relationships.
- You rarely ask for help or express your feelings with others.
- You ‘do your own thing’ most of the time, keep busy and avoid intimate interaction.
- Other people’s emotions overwhelm you.
- You may have regular feelings of disappointment, resentment and fear of abandonment.
What if, after reading both lists, you think, “I identify with both”. This can be common. People, who are ‘boundary-challenged’', can go back and forth between having absent and rigid boundaries. A person may try to develop a relationship quickly by pleasing and disclosing intimate information too soon. If they sense the other person starts pulling away, one may respond by ‘shutting down’ to protect oneself from feeling rejected or abandoned.
Becoming ‘Boundary-Healthy’
1. The first thing always starts with awareness! Be aware of and identify your feelings before you react. When asked to do something for a friend or when someone discloses personal, intimate information to you, take time to acknowledge what is going on inside of you. If it is hard to identify feelings at first, start with body awareness. Your body will bring awareness to where your feelings are stored. If you notice your ‘stomach in knots’, excessive sweating or tightness in another area of your body, explore what your body is trying to tell you. I know it can sound silly to imply your body is ‘talking’ to you. However, pain, tightness and other physical symptoms can send messages and signals, asking for help and attention. While you are deep breathing, you may even consider visualizing a symbol or color to identify the sensation or feeling. Externalizing the pain or tension can help one gain insight and a sense of control. It can be easier to describe the feelings or words associated with the color or symbol than the actual pain or tension itself. Your body sensations and feelings will start to be ‘signs’ that your boundaries are either being violated or too uncompromising.
2. Take responsibility for your own behaviors and choices. You can complain all day long how ‘So and So” doesn’t ever return a favor. But I promise you, complaining won’t change a thing. Why would “So and So” want to change? They have someone always ready and willing to help. The change starts with you. When you start to become more familiar with those ‘signs’, you can now start being ‘boundary-healthy.’
3. Important questions to explore as you develop being ‘Boundary-healthy’
- What do I fear might happen, when I say no?
- When I can’t say no, how does that reflect on my own self-worth? What does my response say about me? Others usually reflect our own issues and insecurities.
- When I don’t let anyone ‘in’, what am I protecting myself from?
- If someone gets upset with me for saying no, do I feel their reaction is fair or warranted? Would I respond that way if someone said 'no' to me?
- What are the consequences if I continually push people away?
4. When you start establishing boundaries, go slow and pace yourself. This is not an easy task. It takes time to create a new habit. When practicing your new way of ‘being’, proceed with people, whom you trust and respect. You may even consider telling them you are practicing to elicit support and understanding. Support will be needed to maintain ‘boundary-healthy’ living.
- Be specific.
- Be repetitive.
- Be respectful.
- Don’t justify or explain yourself –respond simply.
- Don’t feel pressured to respond right away. Take time to breathe.
- Practice what you want to say before responding.
- Be prepared if they do not accept your 'no'.
- Remind yourself, you are not responsible for their feelings and/or reactions.
- Understand some relationships may change or end once you become 'boundary-healthy"
- Consult someone you think is ‘boundary-healthy’ for their opinion.
When you are more ‘Boundary-Healthy', you will notice:
- Feeling more ‘comfortable’ when responding in your relationships.
- Empathy for others without ‘taking on’ their feelings.
- Compromising and negotiating rather than ‘sulking’ or ‘demanding’.
- A stronger sense of identity and belonging.
- A greater sense of control.
- Your mood or confidence will not be as affected by how others treat you or try to engage you.
- Your ‘buttons’ will not be so easily pushed.
- Deeper, more intimate relationships.
- Being more understanding and accepting of your own and others imperfections.
- A more authentic YOU!
Remember as you practice, you don’t have to start saying, no, to everything and everyone. Checking in with your feelings and body sensations, will give you the guidance and knowledge you need to determine when to say "yes" or "no". It’s even okay to say yes, to something you don’t really want to do, if you truly want to help a friend or family member.
Say YES! to ‘Boundary-Healthy’ Living!
We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater
than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us
to change.” Henry Cloud, Author of the book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes and
How to say No to Take Control over Your Life.
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